Ewokmama

Please tell me that my son is acting like a lunatic because he has two molars coming in and not because of his age.  ‘Cause seriously, this needs to end soon.  He is like velcro at the moment - abusive, dramatic, cranky velcro.  Everything is such a big deal!

It MUST be teeth because he doesn’t want to eat much of anything, he only wants to drink copious amounts of milk.  He wanted to nurse earlier in the evening yesterday, then decided to shun my breasts for his straw cup of “chocolate” milk (which in our house is code for regular whole cow’s milk).

He didn’t want to build, or color, or play guitar, or read.  He just wanted me to hold him (and ONLY me) and carry him around.  Which would have been okay if he didn’t start hitting me over the head or smacking me in the face.  Also, it was hot yesterday and he weighs a ton, but I would have held him anyway if he would snuggle with me instead of beating me.

He refused to go to bed until after 10pm, and at that point would not even nurse down.  He instead chose to drink more “chocolate” milk, then flopped around the bed for a good 30-45 minutes before falling asleep.  He was up for the day at 6am.  Oy.

This is just a short phase.  This cannot be the terrible twos.  I mean, the part where he flipped out a few nights ago because Joe insisted that he take his socks and diaper off to get into the bath - that was most definitely a symptom of terrible twos.  But this nutty toddler who has been with us for almost a week now is so unlike my smiley Jack and OMG, the thought of a year of Emo Jack is enough to send me into a fit!

Sick of trying to stretch the baby prefolds fit Jack, we finally sold them off and I bought some more pocket diapers to compensate.  We could have gotten by if we were more inclined to use the next size up of prefolds (I think we have toddler size??) but they are HUGE and we hate them.

I am still in love with Fuzzi Bunz, but I didn’t feel like spending $18 on a sized diaper and I have been wondering if there’s something out there I’m missing…  I still like the BumGenius diapers quite a bit, but they are actually getting a little snug on Jack, so I didn’t want to invest in more in case he really does grow out of them.  I am comfortable enough with cloth diapering, and I trust Nicki’s Diapers (home of free shipping and inserts for all pocket diapers) enough, that I didn’t read reviews on these diapers before purchasing - just took the plunge and hoped for the best!

I bought:

• 2 Haute Pockets One-Size Diapers (on sale for $14) - one snap, one velcro
• 1 Happy Heinies One-Size Diaper ($19)
• 1 Large DryBees ($16)
• 1 Imse Vimse potty training diaper (yet to be used, bought due to wishful thinking)

I like the color options on the Haute Pockets, and the fit is great.  I don’t like is that the open portion for the insert doesn’t lay flat or overlap to completely cover the insert.  It doesn’t seem to bug Jack and the diapers haven’t leaked (although this might be an issue for babies spending most of their time laying down).  I tend to use our BG at night because Jack would unlatch the velcro when awake, but the Haute Pockets have much stronger velcro to prevent toddler’s from stripping.  I am not sure if they would work for overnight as the ones I bought have “breathable” PUL, and frankly I’m a little afraid to try…

The Happy Heinies diaper is great!  I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it since Jack is so keen on undoing velcro, but this is strong stuff.  I love the trim fit and the cow print we got is so adorable!  I would definitely recommend these, and will stock up more with a second baby.

DryBees - my new favorite diaper of the sized variety.  These suckers can hold a TON of pee, there is a huge variety of cute colors and patterns, and the velcro is super strong.  Bonus: the fleece is the softest and thickest I’ve ever felt, and the diaper is constructed so that only fleece touch’s the baby’s skin.  I LOVE this diaper.

I am still awaiting an order of Sunbums (including one with sock monkeys on it!) from a sale I took advantage of, so that review is pending.

These days I have pretty much stopped using months to describe Jack’s age.  I usually say “he’s almost two” or “he’ll be two in two months.”  I know lots of folks have trouble with the math past 12 months of age, and the changes Jack goes through from month-to-month are more of a slow transition than they were during that first year of his life when milestones came out of nowhere.  It blows my mind that the second year of Jack’s life is almost complete.  Time really does fly.

My friend Daniella recently wrote a great descriptive post about her daughter and it inspired me to do the same for Jack.  It’s so hard to capture his personality with words; he has such a bright spirit and I often watch him with awe as he is going about his childish tasks.  Still, if I were to describe Jack, I would say he is:

• fearless - nothing scares him; he recently watched the movie Monsters, Inc. and I feared it might be a little too frightening for him but he thought it was great!  Loud noises, bugs, heights, animals, weather, fire - it’s all interesting to him.
• goofy - he loves to play jokes, pretend his toys are hiding, get attacked by the “tickle monster”
• a social butterfly - the easiest way to get him into a good mood is to take him out to a restaurant where he can people watch and flirt with the tables behind him.  He won’t give up until our table neighbors say hello.  He has always been more focused on communication than physical milestones.
• helpful - he gets excited to assist with laundry, or pull a suitcase down the hallway, or press the “car call” elevator button
• talkative - he says new things every day, copies our phrases, and when his vocabulary is lacking, he mutters a string of gibberish to make up for it.
• joyful - he is full of smiles and laughter and his eyes are always sparkling
• energetic - he can run circles around us, sits straight up in bed in the morning and says “hi mama!”
• compassionate - he offers toys or pacifiers or pats with his hand to babies in distress
• stubborn - there is no convincing him sometimes
• artistic - he colors with wild abandon for HOURS every day
• musical - he loves watching music videos, demands “more rock” in the car, and goes after daddy’s guitars at every opportunity

• focused - his brow furrows and he does not give up on the goal
• easy-going - he is pretty happy just to be participating in whatever is going on
• tactile - he loves petting the cats and touching warm laundry.  Since he was a baby his first interaction with something new was to rub it or scratch it with his fingernail

It’s so amazing to watch his personality develop more and more every day.  I feel so lucky to have this little boy in my life, so interested to see how he turns out, and so excited about what he is going to do next!

Yesterday was one of those not-so-fun type of parenting days.  Jack was in the midst of Terrible Twodom (and yeah, he’s not 2 yet!).  Fits galore, making it difficult to even get out of the house for my brunch (damn it, I was having my brunch even if I had to go by myself!!!).  Jack is too strong for me to handle when he is in a fit, so Joe had to take over trying to get him in the carseat.  There was no way to entice him to sit down (usually a bribe works, or a forbidden object such as a cell phone) so Joe had to pin him down while I helped buckle the straps.  All because Jack wanted to stand in the carseat and yell at the back of the car. 

Brunch was great.  I got a free mimosa and delicious gingersnap pancakes.  Jack was entertained by his crayons and coloring book, ate well (including eggs, which he usually disses) and I felt so happy.  This is the part of the day I will try to keep foremost in my memory!

We spent the day at BIL & SIL’s so that Joe could help Justin put together a gazebo.  Jack was running around everywhere and getting into everything so he went from banging on the window to playing with the wine rack to giving himself power bombs on the bed to snatching his uncle’s cell phone to stealing his cousin’s toys…worn out, I fell asleep putting him down for a nap in the afternoon.

Dinner was fabulous, as was dessert (I had two helpings, yum!).  SIL is an awesome cook!  Afterward, Jack started to completely melt  down.  We got out of there when he started chanting “I want I want I want I want” over and over, wrestled him into the carseat again, and headed home.  Jack flipped out some more there, and started hitting me with fists and books.  When I told him not to hit me, that it hurt, to give hugs instead, he laughed in my face.  Joe had no more luck.  So infuriating!  I don’t know if this is just a toddler thing, or something he learned at daycare, but my kid hitting me makes me want to cry!  He also kept biting me during nursing and continued to hit when I was trying to put him to sleep.  So my mother’s day gift from my son?  Abuse.

I was amazed when Jack was a baby that he was such a sweet little guy, so unlike me and apparently a little clone of Joe.  I was sure I’d get a sassy, stubborn child that was just like I was as a kid (okay, I’m still like that…).  Alas, it seems that he was just biding his time before showing all his cards.  What scares me most is that no adult was ever able to sway me as a child…so I am facing a littler version of myself and I have no idea what to do.

I don’t have much to say this week except OMG the tantrums kids throw over the stupidest things!  Nothing seems to calm Jack down, so I just sit next to him and let him go until he wears himself out (partly because I simply am not strong enough to pick him up to take him to a quiet room or something).  A few weeks ago he threw a tantrum in the elevator as we were making our way to our apartment.  My hands were too full to pick him up, so I just let him do his thing there on the elevator floor.  A neighbor heard the racket and peeked through the window at us.  I opened the door to let him know what was going on and thank him for his concern.  He helped me!  He stood there looking at Jack for a good five minutes until Jack calmed from embarrassment and quietly came with me into the building as the neighbor held the door for us.  Thank goodness for the kindness of neighbors!  (And, oy, I’m sure this isn’t the last of my public humiliation by my son.)

Does anyone have any tips for deflecting kicks and hits from toddlers?  Ya know, other than physically restraining them?  Also, Jack will NOT stop wrestling with our poor cat Wicket.  It’s partly Wicket’s fault because he won’t run away from Jack, either, but goodness!  One of these days Jack is seriously going to hurt the cat.

I updated Jack’s shutterfly albums this week (for March and April).  They are still almost a month behind but my internet at home weeps when I upload hundreds of pictures so that’s all for now!

I know I at least mentioned this before, but in speaking with family and friends this weekend I found myself more clearly stating my plans for birthing a second child.  I will absolutely do things differently next time around, and that means I will stay out of a hospital if at all possible.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against hospitals.  I worked in a hospital and absolutely loved it.  I love the people and their commitment to helping others.  I love that hospitals offer safety and a variety of medical expertise.  There is so much about Jack’s birth that I cherish.

But!  The downsides are many.  The people in the hospital don’t know their patients for the most part.  The number of staff is large, and the shifts do not cover an entire labor.  Some of those members of staff have a horrible bedside manner, and patients are stuck with what they get.  Of the four nurses who attended us during our time in the hospital, two of those four were absolutely horrible.  And unfortunately due to timing, those two horrible nurses had a much greater impact on my birth experience than the great nurses.  I do not want people I don’t know to have that much impact on what is a very personal and unique experience in my life.

Despite my birth plan, despite my doula, despite my OB’s agreement with my wishes, despite my repeated restatement of my wishes, choices were taken away from me in the hospital.  And the reason why those choices were taken away?  Simply for the nurse’s convenience, or due to someone else’s mistakes, and my OB was not there to overrule in my favor.  Being admitted to the hospital meant that others took over and had more control over what was happening than I did; in spite of all previous reassurances that my wishes would be respected.

I didn’t have a horrible birth experience.  I was able to deliver Jack vaginally, without pain medication, and I healed pretty quickly.  My son is healthy, and I am healthy.  My goals were achieved.  But I know if I had simply chosen to give birth at home or at an independent birth center, there would have been a lot less stress, a lot more support and comfort.  I thought that the birthing room looked homey and warm, but I didn’t realize that decor is only one small piece of what makes a person feel comfortable in their environment.

Let me be clear.  I am not the type of person who desires to “experience the miracle of birth” or “realize my strength as a woman” or other such romantic notions.  I am nothing if not practical.  I simply don’t want to hand over my autonomy to a large number of strangers who have done nothing to earn my trust and who have protocol in the forefront of their minds at all times.  Birth is about babies and parents and nature and all working together in a common goal.  I want to be surrounded by those who respect that with words and deeds, and I want the birth to be the priority, not something that is thought of after the institution is taken care of.  I understand why hospitals do what they do, but that doesn’t mean I have to let a hospital and its staff dictate how my child comes into the world.

“I like blue and green and yellow and orange and purple!”  (Purple is actually his favorite, and he points it out at every opportunity.  He can’t identify many colors, but he sure knows purple.)

“I like tea!” and “I like guitars!” and “I like cookies!”

“I want I want I want I want I want”

Arms stretched out behind him, he runs around the living room.  Our best guess is that he is flying.

Spatulas make great guitars.

Boats=pirates.  Water=pirates.  Skulls=pirates.  Sabrina=pirates.  ”See pirates?  Yarrr!”

Overheard on the baby monitor when he woke up from his nap yesterday, “Oh, man!”

All milk except for mama’s is “chocolate milk.”

He snubbed cupcakes (twice!) yesterday in favor of cucumbers, carrots, and grapes.

It’s been a couple months since I started treatment for my depression.  I am doing a lot better in most respects.  My moods are stablilizing and as long as I keep things simple, I am functioning fairly well.  I’m learning how to tend to my own needs in addition to my family’s.  It’s still difficult but I am hopeful that with time and effort it will become second nature.

Still, it never feels like there is downtime.  I resent my commute to work because that is additional time taken away from my family.  There are so few hours on weeknights and those hours are often filled with chores: preparing dinner, dishes, bills, packing the diaper bag, laundry…it seems I am always doing chores instead of spending time with Joe and Jack.  In addition, I spend two nights a week at Kaiser trying to get all of this depression stuff worked out.  I know it will be worth it, and I need those hours set aside to work on myself, but I miss my family fiercely.

Adding to the complications in our life, Joe is jobless after June.  He has an interview this weekend, and we are hopeful that this one will come through for him.  If he is hired, we will still have other things to worry about.  It’s a seasonal job, so the future is still uncertain.  His commute will be at least an hour each way, and we are locked into our apartment lease until October so we cannot move closer.  A longer commute for Joe will mean continued stress around getting Jack to and from daycare.  I would need to get to work late and leave early every day in order to do the dropping off and picking up.  I’m sure the problem with that is obvious.

We have challenges ahead of us but I feel more prepared to deal with them than I did six months ago.  I know we will make it through because we always do.  I’m trying to look at the upcoming uncertainty as an opportunity to flex my newfound depression-fighting muscles.  I’m keenly aware that Jack is watching, and I am hoping he’ll learn from me how to kick ass in life.

By means of random selection, Annika at Through the Looking Glass has won a signed copy of Rebecca Woolf’s book Rockabye: From Wild to Child.  Congrats, Annika, and thank you for commenting!

Reminder: Today is the last day to leave a comment on this post to get a chance to win a copy of Rebecca Woolf’s book!  I’ll be announcing the lucky reader’s name tomorrow.  I finished it in 3.5 days and absolutely loved it.  I can’t wait to hear reviews from all of you!

Two of Jack’s 2-year molars came in while I was out of town over the weekend.  He now has 18 teeth!  Only 2 left before this teething business is over (for a few years)!  YAY!  I firmly believe his recent sleep troubles are due to those molars.  He was drooling all over my side of the bed this morning.  Sheesh.

Three weeks from tomorrow we fly to Maryland to see my sister!  Since I was so happy with the service I received from the Traveling Baby Company back in December when Jack and I flew to Seattle, I decided to go through them again to rent a carseat, stroller, and baby monitor for this trip.  Their prices are great and their equipment is exactly what I would buy.  I am so excited for this visit and I can now enjoy the anticipation because I don’t have to worry about how to lug all kinds of gear along.  I can focus on worrying about how to keep Jack entertained on the plane for 5+ hours.

My trip went well - better than I could have expected, really.  My boys made me proud!  Jack ate well, slept well, behaved well, and was incredibly adorable on the phone with me.  His face lit up when I arrived home yesterday!  It feels so good to know that the household can survive if I go away for a few days (except for the part where Joe’s job went bye bye, but that wasn’t completely unexpected).

The weather in Washington was sunny and beautiful.  Beth sent her husband to San Francisco so we could have a girl’s weekend, so we stayed up late and attempted to sleep in (apparently parenthood has destroyed my ability to sleep past 8am, though).  We went to a tulip festival, shopped at some outlets, treated ourselves to pedicures, watched a sappy movie (Waitress - very cute!), attended high tea, and strolled around Pike Place Market.  There was a lot of good food and special treats, too.  Fabulous!

I missed Joe and Jack so much while I was away.  As I sat in the airport waiting to board the plane that would take me away from them, I had to leave the gate briefly when a baby started crying because it was just too much for me in my nervous state.  I felt better as the weekend went by and Joe informed me that things were going well, but there were so many times when I wished that Jack was there to see the tulips or the space needle or the kitten playing in Beth’s backyard.

I wondered if Jack might decide to wean himself while I was away but, as I suspected, the first word out of his mouth when he saw me was “milk.”  And though he had gone to sleep just fine without nursing the previous 3 nights, he absolutely wanted to nurse to sleep last night.  I didn’t mind at all because it gave me a chance to snuggle and kiss him and remind my senses of all that I missed about my little boy.

We are somewhat working on weaning.  Well, some say that weaning begins when solids are introduced, but that is not how I think of weaning.  Up until very recently, I have always let Jack call the shots on nursing.  Nursing is an important part of his nutrition as well as his emotional development, and I don’t want to take it away before he is ready.  With that said, I have found breastfeeding to be emotionally difficult for me throughout the duration, and I feel that I am reaching my limit.  I am trying to strike a balance that will work for both Jack and me.

As Jack has shown less interest in nursing and more interest in the world around him, I have begun to test the waters a bit.  I have really made an effort to get on top of solids to ensure that meals are prepared quickly when he gets hungry so that he is less likely to get impatient and decide to nurse instead of eat solids.  Consistency and proactivity about meal and snack times have been key.  Additionally, when he does ask to nurse I try to see if I can offer cow’s milk or water instead, or a hug if it seems that he wants attention.  This has been working really well, with only minimal balking from Jack.

I’ve stepped things up as of late.  Many a morning I have had to leave for work before Jack is up, so we skip our morning nursing session.  Some mornings we run late and although he asks to nurse, I offer him food or water or cow’s milk and he is perfectly content with that (although it surprises me every time!).  I have been attending group therapy directly after work on Thursdays and so we have delayed that post-work nursing session or skipped it in favor of a longer nursing-to-sleep session after I get home.  He has been sleeping so well lately that some days we are down to only one nursing session!

I’m going out of town tonight and I have thought a lot about what will happen while I’m away and when I return.  I know that some kids Jack’s age wean themselves when their mamas travel away for a few days, and I’m prepared for that possibility.  Still, I can’t really see that happening.  It would sure shock the hell out of me.  More likely, the remaining nursing sessions will continue to dwindle away until we cease for good some time in the fall.  That would be just about perfect, in my opinion.

While I’m looking forward to moving on from this stage of our relationship, I know it also signifies that Jack is truly starting to grow up.  That, of course, sends a little pang to my heart.  Nursing or not, Jack will always be my sweet son, my special little guy, my babyman.

I attended a book reading last night at A Great Good Place for Books in Oakland.  One of my favorite blog writers, Rebecca Woolf of Girl’s Gone Child and Babble.com’s Straight From the Bottle, has released her first book entitled Rockabye: From Wild to Child.  I devoured the first few chapters yesterday before attending the reading, and I was completely engrossed.

Even though her story is different from mine, as all aspects of my pregnancy were planned out way ahead of time, her story resonates with me.  She describes so well the feelings of a woman who abruptly switches gears in her life and questions her identity as she transitions to the role of mother.  Planned pregnancy or not, parenthood feels like the first time you are thrown into a pool when you don’t know how to swim - you have to act on instinct and do your damnest to stay afloat as the water tries to suck you down.  Surviving is more important in the moment than doing a perfect job!

I love Rebecca’s depiction of her relationship with her husband, as well.  At the reading last night she described how difficult it was to remember why she fell in love with her husband amid the chaos of new parenthood.  I doubt anyone is able to anticipate how their relationship with their partner will change when the family expands, and I share her amazement over the enduring marriages of her parents and grandparents.  I have found it difficult at times to push aside the mama bear and remember that my husband is on my team - that it is not all up to me to protect and nourish our son.

I highly recommend this book (and Rebecca’s blog) to any new parent, but especially those out there who struggle with the new identity that comes along with motherhood.  I think there is something in this book for all of us parents, not the least of which is a feeling that we aren’t alone in the struggles and celebrations that come along with creating life.

Rebecca was completely charming and absolutely delightful to meet.  I personally love how much she curses, and laughed heartily when she explained that her son’s limited vocabulary is heavily laden with curse words.  Maybe it’s a California girl thing, maybe it’s a young mom thing, or maybe it’s just our stubborn refusal to give our pre-baby selves up completely.  Whatever it is, I love it.  I will cherish my signed copy of her book, in which she wrote:

Ewok Mama, you are wild and wonderful and rockin’!!  All my love to you and kisses for Jack.  Love always, Rebecca

Rebecca Woolf is currently touring the west coast to promote her book; see her schedule here.  For you local bay area folks, you can see her in San Francisco tonight at 7:30pm!

Contest time!  Leave a comment to tell me a little something about your transition to motherhood (or planned transition!) and win a free copy of the book!  (Winner will be chosen at random.  Contest ends 4/30/08.)

Jack has been speaking in sentences for months but for the most part they were either two word sentences or copied from Joe or me (”Ca’have please?”).  Recently he has started to use pronouns, adjectives, and he has been changing words out of his standard vocabulary to suit different situations.  “I like it” became “I want it” and then evolved to “I want other side please.”  This weekend as we were driving around Humboldt, he pointed out the window and said “Trees!  Tall trees!  I like trees!”  He has also figured out that the opposite of more is “no more.”  Witnessing his growing understanding of language is fascinating.  We are there to supply the tools but his mind is doing all the work of figuring out how to use them.  We are constantly being surprised by his language skills.

I believe I have mentioned that Jack’s daycare providers are Brazilian and speak both English and Portuguese to the kids.  Jack is quickly learning all kinds of words that Joe and I are clueless about (since we know only limited amounts of Spanish and French, and no Portuguese!).  Luckily Jack is starting to ask for things in multiple languages to make sure he gets his point across.  It totally cracked me up the first time I heard him ask for “mais” when I didn’t provide the response he was looking for to “more.”

• Waking up in the morning
• Taking off his shirt
• Trying to put on his shoes
• Not giving him the crayon you are holding when he says “ca’have please” and shoves his crayon in your face
• Denying him his “right” to twiddle one breast while nursing the other

and questions he’ll always answer no to (even if he means yes):

• Do you want some dinner?
• Is your diaper wet?
• Do you want to sit on the potty?
• Do you want to take a bath?
• Can you pick a different book?
• Which shirt do you want to wear?