Parenting Solo

Joe left yesterday to fly to Tennessee to visit his friend Johnny.  He will be gone until Saturday, so I am basically a single parent until then.  Oooh, fun.

Jack and I did well on our own last night.  I have learned, though, that I am not a fun bath-giver.  We usually have to coax him out of the bath when Joe is the one administering but with me Jack was demanding to get out after 10 minutes.

We had a nice conversation with Joe when he called in the evening.  I got Jack to tell his daddy he misses him and “I wanna rock!”  Joe was charmed, of course.

Dinner was less of an ordeal than it usually is, and I think this has something to do with the lack of distractions.  Joe is glued to the Simpsons every night and Jack wants to be, as well.  Last night the TV did not get turned on once, and Jack sat in his rocking chair pushed up against an end table and ate his dinner happily.  It could have been a fluke.  I suppose we’ll find out tonight!

On the flip side, Jack has been pickier and clingier at daycare this week.  This is either a sign that he is settling in or he could be coming down with something.  Let’s hope for the former.

Spotty

I’ve been taking anti-depressants for a month now but I have admitted to myself and my counselors that they aren’t working as they should be.  Some things have gotten better, and some things have gotten worse.  I am feeling a bit afraid at this point. I’m afraid I’m going to go crazy. I’m afraid I’ll really screw up my marriage, that I had no business thinking that I could handle being a mother, that this illness will leave me incapacitated. Mostly I’m not afraid for myself, just that I will burden those I love. I feel like I’m losing my sense of self, and I don’t want to go back to the hell of 3 years ago.

I am working on getting help and getting things going in the right direction but it will take some time.  I don’t know how long and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update here in the mean time.  I hope you are all here whenever I get back.

Next Time Around

I often think about having a second child.  Joe and I talk about it every once in a while.  I was on the fence for a long time but I think we both agree that we will probably have another at some point.  We might try as early as mid-2009, but it will be highly dependent upon our little family dynamic at that time.  Until then, I’ll be rolling this parenting thing around in my mind, analyzing and wondering how things will go with a second child.

In the grand scheme of parenting, birth was not a huge deal for me.  Certainly not as big a deal as I thought it was while pregnant, when it was all I could think about.  Once Jack was here, my labor and his birth faded quickly with the enormity of having a real live person to take care of.  Still, labor and childbirth brought forth a new understanding of my body and my strength as a woman.  It was a big event, an experience that was unique in my life, and looking back it feels as if it was a big test that I feel proud to have passed even if I didn’t get a perfect grade.

I learned a lot in those 39.5 hours, and I have learned even more as I’ve reflected upon everything I went through to get Jack into the world.  I often wonder how things would have gone if events had occured differently.  I read several midwifery blogs and seek out stories of birth at every opportunity.  So obviously while I feel that birth was a relatively small event overall, it was still a very important event that left a lasting impression on my mind.  The events just weren’t as big as the feelings and thoughts that derived from them.

No matter how my opinions of labor and childbirth change, I will carry some satisfaction of Jack’s birth with me.  Not only did I end up with a wonderfully healthy child, but my first birth experience taught me what I will do differently next time:

• No induction unless there are signs of ill health.  While induction was convenient in some ways, it made for a more difficult birth that was harder on my body.  By the time I was ready to push I didn’t have the energy to position myself optimally.  My tailbone is still not the same.
• Stay out of the hospital, and birth only with assistants I know and trust.  In the hospital, I had one nurse who that messed up my IV and refused to unhook it between doses of antibiotics because she felt it was too much work to flush it, and another nurse who at one point took over care of my son.  I want to lessen the chance that other people will adversely affect our family’s experience.
• Use water for pain relief.  The counter-pressure of the shower on my back and belly was amazing pain relief.  Unfortunately, I was not able to use this resource once I was strapped to monitoring devices.

I am really looking forward to another opportunity one day to learn even more about myself and life in general.  What about you?  Would you do anything differently next time?

Black Diamond Mines

Sunday we ventured out to Black Diamond Mines in Antioch to hike and see the wildflowers in bloom.  The day was absolutely gorgeous – sunny with enough wind to create waves in the bright green grass.  We generally hate driving, especially in the bay area, but it was a really pleasant trip flanked by hills and trees.

  We ate a picnic lunch with our friends Melissa and Nick, then Joe strapped Jack into the Ergo and we started our hike.  Jack fell asleep about 1/3 of the way into our trek, right as we made our way along a sheer precipice.  I made sure not to look (as I get nasty vertigo in these situations) and made it through just fine.  Altogether we hiked about two miles and Jack awoke as we were descending the last third of the hike, which is when he insisted on walking.  He actually agreed to hold my hand while making his way down, although the adults frequently had to act as bumpers on either side of him to keep him confined to the trail.  He was very helpful in identifying trees, clouds, and “tall hills.”

I passed out in the car while Joe drove us home (literally, I closed my eyes and don’t remember anything until we parked in the garage) and apparently Jack chatted the entire way back.  It was a great day and I think all of the activity helped Jack sleep wonderfully that night.  I’m still sore, though!

Pictures from all of our recent adventures are uploaded to shutterfly if you’d like to see ‘em.

Aquarium of the Bay

We went to Aquarium of the Bay on Saturday.  This was our first trip into the touristy part of San Francisco since Jack was born and it was actually very fun.  Since we went fairly early and the forecast wasn’t great (although the weather turned out to be beautiful after all) the crowds were very manageable.  The only painful part was the high cost of lunch and parking, which were both expected anyway!

The aquarium itself was great, although on the smalls ide.  Jack was surprisingly shy in the touch pool area and refused to touch anything.  He loved looking at all of the fish, crabs, sea stars, rays, and sharks, though.  The best part was the “Under the Bay” tube, which is a giant tunnel that you walk through while fish, sharks, and rays swim over your head.  Jack thought it was fantastic when the sharks and rays would come directly at him, smooshing up against the glass while gliding by.

This outing increased my anticipation of our trip to Maryland in May to see my sister.  There is an aquarium in Baltimore that we’ll attempt to visit while there, and we may go to the zoo, as well.  These are the things I live for as a parent!

The Naysayers

At one of my baby showers there was a large group of older women (mostly co-workers) who told me I was crazy for considering a natural birth.  There was a mix of those who wondered why I would ever do that to myself, those who tried natural and asked for an epidural as soon as they got to 4cm, and those who regaled me with horror stories (“my kid broke my tailbone!”).  Altogether I think there were about 30 people at my shower, and only two came forward to tell me that they also had natural labors and YES I could do it.  I was very appreciative of their support.  The others drove me crazy and to this day I’m annoyed by their attitude toward my wishes.  With that said, I remembered their comments during the most painful part of my labor and that memory stiffened my resolve to forego pain medication so that I could have the birth I had planned.  I never spoke about my labor with any of those women afterward; it was just enough to know that they were wrong and I could do it.

In discussing my plans to use cloth diapers prior to having Jack, I received some flack from a few friends.  Some were simply ignorant on the subject and doubted that I would be able to get the diapers clean.  Some had given up cloth diapering themselves, mostly because their wash routines were overly complicated, and they assumed I would also give up.  20 months later and I still love cloth diapers.  I found my own way to make it work in our life and I have been very happy with my decision.  No one ever mentioned it after Jack was born, except for those people who saw what we were doing and wanted to try it themselves.  It wasn’t my intention to inspire others to cloth diaper, but it’s certainly nice that more people are considering it.

While no one said it outright, I do believe there were some folks in my life who were dubious about my plans to breastfeed Jack.  I got the impression from one person in particular who, when Jack was about 5 months old conceded, “He’s obviously thriving, so what you’re doing must be working!”  In the early days breastfeeding was certainly difficult, and it definitely still has its moments, but I am just thankful to have made it this far despite the fact that I had no one around to help.

Overall I think I’ve had a pretty easy go as a new parent.  I haven’t received any criticism since Jack has been born.  I think it helps that Jack is such a happy, easy-going fellow.  I doubt that his awesomeness has much to do with how Joe and I parent, in all honesty.  I’d like to think that Jack is teaching us how to parent, and that things have gone well because we are responsive to his needs.  It sure is a nice thought but there is probably a bit of luck involved, as well.  In any case, I am kind of giving myself a pat on the back for all my hard work over the last couple of years (we’ve all gotta take a moment to do that sometimes, right?) but I also wanted to acknowledge that I have been helped by the naysayers.  If it wasn’t for their comments and my drive to prove them wrong, things might have turned out differently.  You certainly never know…

Closer to Two

Jack is 20 months old today.  As I mentioned to Joe last weekend, he is closer to 2 than to 1.  Where has the time gone?  How did our baby get to be so big?  Will I be sending him off to college tomorrow?

Two weeks to the day after starting daycare, Jack has adapted.  Joe dropped him off with no crying yesterday!  Yay!

Last night as I was attempting to nurse him to sleep, he unlatched and laid his head on my chest, whispering “green yellow green yellow” before latching on again.  It was so cute and endearing.  His brain is obviously hard at work trying to figure out colors.  It’s so interesting to witness this stage of development, when he is caught between babyhood and childhood.  And I feel caught, too; I want him to learn new things and grow but I still sometimes wish we could stay in these moments longer.

We all were in bed by 9 last night.  Jack awoke once and we fell back asleep while nursing.  I woke up not too long after and laid him down before looking at the clock to see how much more sleep I could get before the alarm was set to go off.  It was 7am!  I certainly wasn’t expecting that Jack had slept through the night but apparently he did.  I’ve never had such mixed feelings about getting a full night’s rest.  I really needed more sleep!  In any case, I am happy that he seems to be going back to his pre-sleep regression habits and that we weathered the time change without too much fuss.

I’m over here trying to relax

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday!  I was just plain lazy, I think.  I am also fighting off a cold that doesn’t want to go away.  It is all in my chest and it’s bugging the heck out of me.

Jack’s training potty arrived yesterday and I set it up in the bathroom.  He thought it was interesting and enjoyed playing with it but he was not sure what the heck I was trying to do when I sat him on it.  I didn’t expect he would sit right on it and go, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to introduce the idea.  I realized I need to get some diapers that are more conducive to potty learning.  Right now we mostly use FuzziBunz but Jack cannot undo the snaps (which is usually a good thing) and they pull down well without unsnapping.  Anyone have any ideas?  I think I’ll also get a book for him to read about going to the potty.  Not my favorite subject to read about, but Jack loves the book learnin’.

Daycare seems to be going well.  Drop-off is getting easier and Jack is always happy when we pick him up.  He eats well (he loves beans, apparently) and sleeps well there.  He has started learning some Portuguese and even some sign language (his favorite word these days is “more” and he can say it in English, Portuguese, and sign).  The last two days he has played in the sand box, so he comes home covered in sand.  I am not totally happy with that but I know he is having fun.  (It’s just so difficult to get sand out of his hair!)  After all the trouble we went through with finding good daycare, it’s such a relief to have something great that is right down the street.  Yesterday we strolled home in the sunshine.  The only thing is that now we can’t ever move!

Overall things are pretty mellow right now and I’m loving it.  With all the ups and downs over the last year, it’s nice to sit back and relax a bit until the next wave of activity begins.

Grumble grumble grumble

Daylight Savings must have been developed as a torture method for households with kids.  It’s really, really unfair that we have to go through this schedule shifting twice a year!  I can only imagine how daycares are coping.

Jack went to bed late (inevitably!) last night.  This morning I hid out in the second bathroom drinking coffee while Joe woke and dressed him.  Jack was extremely unhappy to be awake at such an early hour.  I felt terrible for hiding out while Joe did all the work, but we were all on a tight schedule this morning and if I had shown my face it would have meant a good 20 minutes of nursing.  Thank goodness I had that cup of coffee in my hands because otherwise I would have run into the other room to scoop Jack up in my arms to soothe and rock him.  Joe did a wonderful job, though.  It was nice to get the insight into how he went about the morning routine as if I were not there.  He was so sweet and sympathetic to our little boy and Jack was calm by the time they walked out the door.  That part felt good.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a long week.  Somehow we have to figure out how to adjust to the time shift and get back in a routine.  I surely wouldn’t mind advice on how to go about that.  I hope you all are having an easier time of it!

Welcome to the world

A big congratulations to Jen on the birth of her second little boy Alex.  Welcome to the world, little dude!

Decisions, decisions

I have a dilemma.  Our little family is planning to fly from California to Maryland to see my sister in May.  I’ve looked at various flight options and I’m struggling to make a decision.  I’d love any input from my readers…

• Do we fly direct so that we don’t have to change planes?  If we do, it will be a 5 hour flight and will actually go to DC, which is about an hour’s drive from my sister’s house.  The 3.5 hour direct flight to Wisconsin was not bad, but we were going stir crazy by the end of it.
• Do we pick a flight with a layover so that we can grab some food and allow the boy to walk around between flights?  This will make our travel last about 8 hours but will take us directly to Maryland.  The layovers are only about an hour, so I worry that we won’t make it to our connecting flight on time.
• Do we get Jack his own seat (he is still under 2) and drag along his carseat?  This will increase the cost of our trip by at least $300, and I’m doubtful that he will even sit in his seat and make it worth it.
• Do we forego the seat and the extra cargo and rent one in Maryland?
• Which airlines are more kid-friendly?  I believe our options are Southwest, Continental, Delta, Virgin America, and JetBlue.

When I asked Joe his opinion, he replied, “It’s going to suck no matter what.”  Very helpful. 

This is the last big travel we are doing for quite some time, I swear.  It just keeps getting more expensive and more complicated as Jack gets older!

I Need a Muse

Jack is sick again.  He is snotty and coughing and having trouble nursing and sleeping.  I am crossing my fingers that I don’t catch it!  That’s probably hoping for too much.

When he went to bed at 8:30 last night, I decided I would join him just in case we were in for a rough night.  I am so glad I did because he woke up a few times, and couldn’t get back to sleep at the 4am waking.  We went into the living room for a while where he made me color for his entertainment.  This is a common occurrence, and I recently started running out of ideas as to what to draw (when I ask him what I should draw, he responds “More color!”).  Strangely, drawing the same things over and over have made me an even worse artist than I already was.  I have started drawing shapes so now he knows most of them, although he gets hearts mixed up with triangles.  Numbers and letters joined shapes this morning.  I figure if we keep this up he’ll be ready for kindergarten by the end of the year.

We went back to bed at 6am and I got another blessed hour of sleep before getting up for the day at 7.  Tomorrow I’ll probably work from home to take care of the little guy.  I would appreciate any ideas you might have for things I could draw (keeping in mind that I am using broken crayons and have poor skills) or other ideas for keeping him entertained while I also try to work.

What’s your favorite baby stage?

Yesterday Jack woke up and the only word he would say for hours was “no.”  He said no to things he didn’t want, and said no to things he did want.  He threw a fit when we put him in the stroller for a walk in the beautiful summer-like weather outdoors (he came around).  My dear husband looked at me at that point and said, “See, this is why this stage sucks!”

Even if there are more outbursts than ever, I still love toddlerhood.  I love the fact that Jack has feelings and desires and communicates them (even if the communication is not always clear or positive).  I love that a hug now means embracing rather than the kid just standing there passively while I clutch at him (oh, the feeling of chubby toddler arms squeezing me!), and it’s wonderful to see him running toward me when I get home from work.  I love that he has an imagination and shows it by wrestling with his giant stuffed crab while making funny noises or throwing it up in the air over and over – stuff that he came up purely on his own.  I love feeling his little hand tugging at my sleeve when he wants me to color with him.  I love feeling like I’m my kid’s best friend.

Sure, there are down sides to this stage.  Tantrums aren’t fun.  I can do without the acrobatics during breastfeeding, and the daycare separation anxiety is worse than ever.  Overall, though, the difficulties are just demonstrative of all of the things he can do now and the depth of his emotions.  He is flexing his toddler brain and he is a force in our lives, his own individual.  This is the stuff I’ve been looking forward to – the unabashed demonstration of his thoughts and feelings.  It is just now that I feel like I’m getting to know my kid and seeing a little of what he will grow up to be.  It’s like reading a book that is so intensely interesting that I don’t want to put it down.  And as much as I want to know how the story turns out, I also don’t want it to end!