I have a new niece!

I got a text from my sister at 7am this morning.  Sabrina Sage was born at 4:33am weighing 6lbs 8oz and measuring 21″.  Her due date is tomorrow!  Holly was hoping she’d come early. 

Congrats, little sis!

Xmas in pictures

You can see more on flickr.

Life is measured by details

One of the things about the separation that I haven’t totally worked out is this: I will become responsible for both daycare pick-up and drop-off.  At first I thought I could just work longer hours on Mondays and Tuesdays (Joe’s current days off, when he has Jack) but as of mid-September, Joe will have a different job and schedule that gives him Sundays and Mondays off.  In order for me to get Jack to daycare and drop him off, that means I would have to cram an extra 2 hours onto Mondays to make up for the time I’m taking off the rest of the week.  Daycare has strict hours and it takes me an hour to get to/from work.  Also, Jack is currently enrolled 3 days a week, so I HOPE that they can take him on Tuesdays.  Fingers crossed.

Somehow, I know it will work out.  Things usually do.  It’s just a bit anxiety-inducing in the mean time.

From the land of cute – last night as we were heading to bed, I told Jack to say goodnight to his grandma.  “Nigh-night, Grandma!”  Then he added,  “I love you, Grandma!”  Awwwww.  Love those unprompted expressions of emotion!

Kind of speechless

This doesn’t happen to me often – going a long period of time without having much at all to say.  It’s just that I’ve been very busy trying to get some things in my life sorted out.  Mainly, my marriage, which looks like it’s going on hiatus.  Our separation will occur around the date of our 9 year wedding anniversary.  I find that little tidbit strange.

The separation is amicable and it was a mutual decision.  We didn’t fight or anything…we just realized things weren’t what they should be and we need some time to work on our individual selves.  The decision was much harder to make because of Jack.  Joe and I are both concerned about hurting him and/or depriving him of the stability of a two parent household.  Ultimately, we think it’s better to have two healthy single parent households rather than one unhealthy/unhappy two-parent household.  I hope we’re right.

Grandparent Time

Joe’s parents are in town to babysit while Jack’s daycare providers are on vacation.  Jack is extremely excited!  As soon as I mentioned grandma this morning he said, “Wanna go color!  Wanna see grandma!”  He was shaking with anticipation.  He grabbed the crayons, squealed and ran over to his grandma to pull on her sleeve.  I smiled and am so happy that he gets this time with his grandparents.

The first man I saw crying

Annika linked to a photo collection of male actors crying today and I had an immediate reaction to the photos.  I know this is completely different from what I usually write, but I think it’s worth sharing here.  I realize this could be a sensitive topic to many, so feel free to pass on by today.

His strained voice called to us from the only bedroom in the basement apartment. “Kids, come in here. I have something to tell you.”

The air thickened around me. I shuffled my 7 year old sister and 5 year old brother from the living room to where our dad stood bent, hands braced against a dresser for support. The three of us lined up inside the doorway, blue eyes wide and staring at the broken man before us.

“Sit down,” he whispered.

My sister and brother complied, but I stood there frozen. When my father began to choke on his tears, I thought of my step-sister’s tentative words to me during a recent visit…

“Your dad has AIDS. That’s why he keeps going back into the hospital.”
“He does not have AIDS! I would know if he did!”
“Yes he does, Crystal. I overheard my dad talking to your mom about it.”
“I don’t believe you. You’re lying!”

Fear flamed in my chest and I ran away from that room. I didn’t want to hear what my dad had to say, didn’t want him to know that I knew already, and most of all I didn’t want my step-sister’s words to be true.

I grabbed my dad’s car keys on the way out the door and locked myself into his rusty grey VW Beatle, sobbing. I kept hoping that he would come after me, that he would tell me that I had no reason to run away and no reason to be afraid. He did not come. I sat alone and cried until I was dry, until my head felt water-logged and achey. I wiped away the tears and waited what seemed like hours until the swollen skin around my eyes returned to normal. I steeled myself and walked back into the apartment.

My dad’s courage had left him when I ran out the door and he said nothing of what he had been about to tell us. We ate lunch instead and the day continued as normal. Life went on for a little while.

My sister, brother and I pretended that the breakdown had never happened. It was a shock to us when he died several months later, and we believed it when we were told that Meningitis and Encephalitis had killed our father.

Maryland Highlights

I’ll have to post some pictures when I am not bogged down with catch-up work and the intracacies of adjusting to the new daycare drop-off/pick-up routine (since Joe started his new job today), but here are some highlights of our trip to Maryland:

• The plane rides were decent (considering that we had a 2 year old on our laps) thanks to sitting by the same folks to and from DC.  After the mom who I sat next to loaned Jack her daughter’s Magnedoodle, I promptly bought one when we arrived at our destination.  Jack is obsessed with it and drew constantly on the way home (his drawings actually look like things!).
• He is now obsessed with airplanes, as well.
• Jack was sick with a nasty fever the first two days of the trip.  It was pretty sad to watch the little guy stare dull-eyed at animals in the aquarium in Baltimore.  I wish he could have enjoyed it more.  On the plus side, he is a total sweetheart while sick (no tantrums!).
• Jack learned how to say “Dad’s coffee” and “Jack’s milk” and “Aunt Holly’s computer” and “Cayenne’s toy” - he is quite impressed with pronouns.
• Every night at bed time, we were treated to several performances of what we think is the Portuguese version of “Ring around the roses” wherein he sang what sounded to me like “ba ti ba,” then switched the verse, then purposely fell on the bed.  (I must remember to ask about this when I pick him up from daycare today.)
• The boy decided to refer to his uncle as “Miken” – we can only guess that this is a clever contraction of Mike + Cayenne (the dog).
• We all ate more junk food and watched more tv than we would normally.  Vacation rules are different, though, right??
• Jack may have a little cousin arriving in 2009!
• We saw the Washington Monument & the Smithsonian Natural History Museum on Memorial Day.  It was disgustingly hot and Jack was a tyrant but we did manage to have fun.
• Jack rode his first carousel!  After shrieking with delight when the carousel started moving, he nervously rode the horse for about 5 minutes before deciding he felt safer in my arms.  I spent the rest of the ride precariously hanging on to him and the moving pole.  Upon exiting the carousel, Jack cried for more.  Of course.

Getting There

It’s been a couple months since I started treatment for my depression.  I am doing a lot better in most respects.  My moods are stablilizing and as long as I keep things simple, I am functioning fairly well.  I’m learning how to tend to my own needs in addition to my family’s.  It’s still difficult but I am hopeful that with time and effort it will become second nature.

Still, it never feels like there is downtime.  I resent my commute to work because that is additional time taken away from my family.  There are so few hours on weeknights and those hours are often filled with chores: preparing dinner, dishes, bills, packing the diaper bag, laundry…it seems I am always doing chores instead of spending time with Joe and Jack.  In addition, I spend two nights a week at Kaiser trying to get all of this depression stuff worked out.  I know it will be worth it, and I need those hours set aside to work on myself, but I miss my family fiercely.

Adding to the complications in our life, Joe is jobless after June.  He has an interview this weekend, and we are hopeful that this one will come through for him.  If he is hired, we will still have other things to worry about.  It’s a seasonal job, so the future is still uncertain.  His commute will be at least an hour each way, and we are locked into our apartment lease until October so we cannot move closer.  A longer commute for Joe will mean continued stress around getting Jack to and from daycare.  I would need to get to work late and leave early every day in order to do the dropping off and picking up.  I’m sure the problem with that is obvious.

We have challenges ahead of us but I feel more prepared to deal with them than I did six months ago.  I know we will make it through because we always do.  I’m trying to look at the upcoming uncertainty as an opportunity to flex my newfound depression-fighting muscles.  I’m keenly aware that Jack is watching, and I am hoping he’ll learn from me how to kick ass in life.

A Toddler and a Baby

We got a chance last night to see what it would be like to have two young children.  Joe and I babysat our 5 month old niece for a few hours while her parents got out for their first post-baby date night.  It was an interesting experiment, for sure.

The night started off with the little chica getting upset when her mama handed her over to me.  None of my baby soothing skills were working to assuage the separation anxiety, so my SIL took over the calming effort and rocked her daughter to sleep.  SIL and BIL left soon after, but the nap only lasted about 20 minutes and then there was a bit more squawking.  Joe flexed his baby whispering skills and the little one settled into a nap in his arms (I never realized how sexy it is to watch a handsome man calming a crying infant, let me tell ya!); the second nap lasted 1.5 hours!  During this time, I kept Jack busy (and tried to keep him quiet) while also preparing dinner.  Once the little one awoke, we tag teamed feeding time and then it was back to Uncle Joe because Aunt Crystal is apparently not the cool one.  I did get a few smiles as long as I was not holding her or making any sudden movements.

Jack did really well sharing us.  He tried to help by providing bottle, pacifier, or calming pats to his cousin’s head.  It was quite adorable, as were the many kisses he showered upon her and us.  The less-fun things involved him squealing loudly during naptime and insisting on doing whatever the baby was doing (nursing while she received a bottle, being held lots).  It felt like Joe and I were two single parents on a play date in an unfamiliar setting.

It was a really interesting experience and while we enjoyed caring for our niece and giving our family members a little break, we also realized that we definitely aren’t ready for two kids full time.  We’d like more time to enjoy the little freedoms we’ve gotten accustomed to with our toddler before adding to the mix.

We were thanked profusely for babysitting our niece.  This afternoon while lunching with my BIL, I expressed to him my appreciation for providing the motivation to (after 21 months of hemming and hawing on my part) start that pack of birth control pills sitting neglected in the medicine cabinet.  Many, many thanks, J&S! 

Big Plans

This is pretty huge.  I hope you all can appreciate how huge it is.  I know it may not sound like that big of a deal but to me it feels like someone handed me a million dollars.  I brought it up to Joe a few weeks ago.

Me: How would you feel about me taking a weekend trip by myself?

Joe: I would feel fine with that.

Me: Really?

Joe: Yeah.  It’s gotta happen some time.

So, it’s official.  My plane ticket has been purchased.  Arrangements have been made.  My first overnight trip away from Jack since he was born 21 months ago is set.  I will be two states away from my family for 3 days and 3 nights.  Maybe I’ll even get to sleep through one of those nights!

There is a little niggling doubt that jabs me every now and then and suggests I’m being selfish for wanting this time away.  I’m pushing that aside, though, and focusing on the fact that self-care is important.  I have neglected myself far too long and my family has suffered because of it.  This is not just for me; my mental health also affects Joe and Jack.

So I’m nervous, but mostly excited.  This is a big step for us all.  I’m not expecting things to go completely smoothly, but I would not be totally surprised if things were just fine without me, either.  After all, Jack has two parents for a reason, right?  Joe is a fantastic father and this will be a wonderful opportunity for the two of them to find a groove of their own.

Black Diamond Mines

Sunday we ventured out to Black Diamond Mines in Antioch to hike and see the wildflowers in bloom.  The day was absolutely gorgeous – sunny with enough wind to create waves in the bright green grass.  We generally hate driving, especially in the bay area, but it was a really pleasant trip flanked by hills and trees.

  We ate a picnic lunch with our friends Melissa and Nick, then Joe strapped Jack into the Ergo and we started our hike.  Jack fell asleep about 1/3 of the way into our trek, right as we made our way along a sheer precipice.  I made sure not to look (as I get nasty vertigo in these situations) and made it through just fine.  Altogether we hiked about two miles and Jack awoke as we were descending the last third of the hike, which is when he insisted on walking.  He actually agreed to hold my hand while making his way down, although the adults frequently had to act as bumpers on either side of him to keep him confined to the trail.  He was very helpful in identifying trees, clouds, and “tall hills.”

I passed out in the car while Joe drove us home (literally, I closed my eyes and don’t remember anything until we parked in the garage) and apparently Jack chatted the entire way back.  It was a great day and I think all of the activity helped Jack sleep wonderfully that night.  I’m still sore, though!

Pictures from all of our recent adventures are uploaded to shutterfly if you’d like to see ‘em.

Decisions, decisions

I have a dilemma.  Our little family is planning to fly from California to Maryland to see my sister in May.  I’ve looked at various flight options and I’m struggling to make a decision.  I’d love any input from my readers…

• Do we fly direct so that we don’t have to change planes?  If we do, it will be a 5 hour flight and will actually go to DC, which is about an hour’s drive from my sister’s house.  The 3.5 hour direct flight to Wisconsin was not bad, but we were going stir crazy by the end of it.
• Do we pick a flight with a layover so that we can grab some food and allow the boy to walk around between flights?  This will make our travel last about 8 hours but will take us directly to Maryland.  The layovers are only about an hour, so I worry that we won’t make it to our connecting flight on time.
• Do we get Jack his own seat (he is still under 2) and drag along his carseat?  This will increase the cost of our trip by at least $300, and I’m doubtful that he will even sit in his seat and make it worth it.
• Do we forego the seat and the extra cargo and rent one in Maryland?
• Which airlines are more kid-friendly?  I believe our options are Southwest, Continental, Delta, Virgin America, and JetBlue.

When I asked Joe his opinion, he replied, “It’s going to suck no matter what.”  Very helpful. 

This is the last big travel we are doing for quite some time, I swear.  It just keeps getting more expensive and more complicated as Jack gets older!

A few of my favorites

I didn’t get a chance to upload our photos to Shutterfly or Flickr last night, so here are just a few of my favorites from our trip.

Sleeping with mama on the plane

Crazy Cousin Cole

Bathtime with Emily & Jack (who knew baths could be this fun?)

Super excited (at the children’s play place)

Grandma and Grandpa

My mom and her partner came for a visit this weekend.  This is the first time that Jack really seemed to bond with them.  He insisted that Grandpa read to him.  Halfway through Bob the Builder (“Scoop Saves the Day”) we noticed Grandpa Jim had changed the story line, “And all of the ducks ended up in a stew and quack quack quacked because it was so hot.”  Sheesh!

We drove to Alvarado Park in Richmond, a place my mom remembered visiting as a kid.  It was warm and sunny and I don’t think I have ever enjoyed being outside quite so much.  It was nice to walk in the sunshine with my little boy.

Jack and Grandma Darla played on the slide and showed public displays of affection.

On one of their many hikes Joe taught Jack that bay leaves smell good.  Of course now he inspects all the leaves he sees outdoors.  Joe doesn’t mind.

Jack loved the rocks in the park.  He kicked them and scratched them and then we played peek-a-boo with this one.

Why can’t we have weather like this every day?

On why I’m a working parent

I hated maternity leave.  I worked up until I was 38.5 weeks pregnant and then I finally gave in and took time off due to late pregnancy fatigue.  Jack was quite overdue, so my leave ended up being quite a bit longer than I had planned (those extra 11 days seemed like forever).  While I waited for signs of impending labor, signs that did not come, I e-mailed my co-workers nearly every day to get work news; most of them would tell me nothing except, “Enjoy your time off!”  I checked my work email from home, responding when I could.  I would have gladly taken things home with me if I did not have a temp at work that was easily keeping up on the workload by herself.

Being around other people is vital to my mental health.  That is something I’ve learned to understand and respect about myself as I’ve grown older and as I’ve learned how to manage and avoid depression.  In isolation I drive myself crazy with my constantly racing thoughts; work related projects energize me and give my mind a direction and my thoughts a purpose.  Maternity leave was like being strapped into a straight jacket and locked in a white cell for days on end – I could not wait to get out.

The first two weeks after Jack was born were difficult for me, full of nursing troubles, cat naps, and getting exercise to ward off the baby blues.  We had some visitors, including Joe’s parents, to break up the days.  Joe went back to work two weeks after Jack was born, the same day his parents returned to Wisconsin, and except for brief visits from family and friends, I was left alone with my newborn.  By the time Jack was a month old, everyone I knew had returned to their regularly scheduled life.  I quickly went stir-crazy.

I see this happening with other new moms and yet I’m helpless in the face of their loneliness.  I still have no notion as to how to avoid the isolation of the post partum time.  Looking back now, returning to work when Jack was 6 weeks old seems really early but I remember all too well how those days dragged on while I waited for Joe to get home and take over.  There was nothing to keep me sane except for the breastfeeding support group that I attended for two hours each week.  I loved that group for getting me out of the house, but I made no friends there.  I returned home after the session every week only slightly less lonely.

I did not have a child so that I could stick him in daycare for someone else to raise, yet I cannot be a stay-at-home parent, as I have neither the money nor the mental capacity to withstand it.  Perhaps in a different time or place, I could have done it.  Because in my view, not only does it take a village to raise a child, but it takes a tightly-knit community to support parents.

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By the way, it’s national delurk day!  Please leave a comment to let me know you’re out there.  It doesn’t have to be related to this post, but I’d love to hear your thoughts if you have something to add!