Spotty

I’ve been taking anti-depressants for a month now but I have admitted to myself and my counselors that they aren’t working as they should be.  Some things have gotten better, and some things have gotten worse.  I am feeling a bit afraid at this point. I’m afraid I’m going to go crazy. I’m afraid I’ll really screw up my marriage, that I had no business thinking that I could handle being a mother, that this illness will leave me incapacitated. Mostly I’m not afraid for myself, just that I will burden those I love. I feel like I’m losing my sense of self, and I don’t want to go back to the hell of 3 years ago.

I am working on getting help and getting things going in the right direction but it will take some time.  I don’t know how long and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update here in the mean time.  I hope you are all here whenever I get back.

Depression Status Check

I’ve been on depression medication for about two weeks now.  I’m over the side effects for the most part and am feeling less like a stranger is taking over my body.  I still have stressful days (like yesterday), which is of course normal, but instead of the stress rendering me despondent, I am able to see clearly enough to acknowledge my feelings and deal with them.

Now that I’m feeling more with it, I can try to describe what the worst of this depression has been like.  It literally felt as if I was a casual observer of all that was going on, that the world around me was flying past so quickly that I could not keep up with the plot.  I was often so confused and my thoughts so scattered that I was even having trouble deciphering the meaning of sentences.  Words were like puzzle pieces but instead of my brain stringing them together to process an idea, it scattered and jumbled them so I was only able to capture a small piece of the meaning.  I am not sure that I can really articulate it well.  I guess I’ll just say that instead of feeling cemented to my chair because I’m in slow-motion while the rest of the world is playing normally, I now feel like part of the goings-on.  I can participate in life!

I still have work to do.  There are a lot of things that have been put on hold because I just couldn’t deal.  The top of the list is my marriage.  I haven’t figured out how to be fair to be a wife, a mother, and an independent woman.  Joe and I are planning to regularly swap babysitting duty with my bro- and sis-in-law in the near future so that we can all get date nights and remember a little of what came before the babies!  I know that will be immensely helpful and a big step in the right direction.

I am scheduled to take a course on depression management and continuing to see my psychiatrist, who is awesome and reminds me of Dustin Hoffman’s character in Stranger than Fiction (if you haven’t seen it, do!).  With my history, the doctor advised me to consider medication as part of my vitamin regimen for the rest of my life.  Instead of treating each episode of depression as if they were individual illnesses to be treated, I will instead strive to break the pattern with preventative medicine.

Most of all I must remember that with medication I’m still living the same life but now the light switch is turned on and I can see everything more clearly.

Step in the right direction

It’s interesting being at this stage in my life, a life as a chronic depression-sufferer.  I am such a seasoned veteran of depression by this point that most can’t even tell I’m depressed.  A therapist admitted to me a few years ago that she could not tell that I was totally freaking out sitting right in front of her.  I attribute this not only to how long I’ve been dealing with these issues, but also to growing up in a family who hid problems and marched on because any wrong step could throw us into a very scary situation from which we might not recover.  I’m somewhat thankful because it has made me stronger, and I can keep functioning even under terrible circumstances.  The downside, of course, is that I often forget that I’m no longer living on a precipice and it takes a lot longer for me to realize that I’ve reached the point where I have stopped participating in really living.

As you all know, I realized some time ago that I needed help.  Well, I am finally getting it.  I contacted my doctor last week and she immediately got to work with a referral to the mental health department.  Embarrassing questions were asked but now things are in motion.

My first intake appointment is in a week and a half.  I will be spending the whole morning getting acquainted with the system, meeting with mental health professionals, and possibly even participating in group therapy.  I am interested to see what I get out of all of this because it sure seems like a lot to do in a few hours time.  Also, we leave for a trip to Wisconsin the very next day.

I feel relieved even though I still have paperwork and talking to do before I actually get treatment.  It has also helped that we have the daycare situation squared away so I don’t have to expend enormous amounts of energy worrying about that.  I am looking forward to returning to a healthier state of mind.  I am looking forward to really living.

A little about PPD and me

After posting a week and a half ago about PPD, I started to do some reading on the subject.  I realized in my reading that things were a little worse than I had thought.  I should have known, as I am having more trouble writing, sleeping, remembering basic things, and even just being myself.  I am sure it sounds strange that after so many years of dealing with depression on and off, one could be depressed and not know it, but that’s probably why the illness is so nasty.  It sneaks up on you gradually until one day you think, huh, things just aren’t right here.

I think one of the worst parts of my depression is the paranoia.  This is almost crippling as it results in me not reaching out to my friends and family for fear that they will/do think poorly of me.  I feel as if I show weakness, I will never be able to take it back and that is all everyone will ever see.  Everything I say will always be suspect or somehow less credible.  Quite counter-productive when I’m trying to get out of this fog.

My depression has morphed over the years.  It used to involve sadless, listlessness, excessive sleep, and headaches.  I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to ignore those feelings, so my symptoms morphed a bit.  Paranoia, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion, loss of appetite, confusion are more likely to occur now.  Worst of all, normal every day life is overwhelming and I often feel trapped.

Plans are still in place to get myself out of the house more and to exercise, but those things are kind of on the backburner until our household recovers from this nasty cold.  Additionally, I’ve realized that these small steps may not be enough at this point, so I’ll be talking to my doctor.

For anyone else out there looking for information and anecdotes, I found ppdconnect extremely helpful.

Another piece

Last night I laid in bed for over an hour before I finally fell asleep.  Jack was sleeping soundly next to me and yet my mind wouldn’t shut off and give in to slumber.  Instead I lay there with negative and paranoid thoughts until I started to question why it was happening.  Then I examined the past few weeks of what I have been calling “perpetual PMS” – the lack of energy, short temper, headaches, and feelings of disconnection, and I realized that I have started down the depression road again.  It’s interesting how long it takes me to figure it out, even after living with this affliction for (officially) 13 years now.  Luckily I have recognized it before things have gone too far, and I can put a plan into place to take better care of myself.

Last night I also became aware of how breastfeeding has made an impact on my life over the past 18 months.   Following the miscarriage of my first pregnancy, I struggled with severe post partum depression.  It was beyond anything I had experienced prior to that (or since); the grief of that loss was expected, but the hormonal landslide that occured ripped the floor from beneath me.  When I look back on that time, I don’t recognize myself at all.

After that period, which involved lots of medication and therapy, I worried that I would experience severe depression again even after a successful pregnancy.  This made the decision to breastfeed that much smarter in my case, as I had read that breastfeeding can help a new mother avoid depression.  It has certainly seemed to work for me; the level of depression I felt after Jack was born was mild and managed with relative ease.  As I lay in bed last night, I realized that the more serious symptoms of depression I’ve been experiencing have increased as I have decreased breastfeeding and pumping sessions.  There are other factors, of course, but for now, I have one more piece to add to the depression puzzle in my life.  I also have work to do to get myself back in shape!

On why I’m a working parent

I hated maternity leave.  I worked up until I was 38.5 weeks pregnant and then I finally gave in and took time off due to late pregnancy fatigue.  Jack was quite overdue, so my leave ended up being quite a bit longer than I had planned (those extra 11 days seemed like forever).  While I waited for signs of impending labor, signs that did not come, I e-mailed my co-workers nearly every day to get work news; most of them would tell me nothing except, “Enjoy your time off!”  I checked my work email from home, responding when I could.  I would have gladly taken things home with me if I did not have a temp at work that was easily keeping up on the workload by herself.

Being around other people is vital to my mental health.  That is something I’ve learned to understand and respect about myself as I’ve grown older and as I’ve learned how to manage and avoid depression.  In isolation I drive myself crazy with my constantly racing thoughts; work related projects energize me and give my mind a direction and my thoughts a purpose.  Maternity leave was like being strapped into a straight jacket and locked in a white cell for days on end – I could not wait to get out.

The first two weeks after Jack was born were difficult for me, full of nursing troubles, cat naps, and getting exercise to ward off the baby blues.  We had some visitors, including Joe’s parents, to break up the days.  Joe went back to work two weeks after Jack was born, the same day his parents returned to Wisconsin, and except for brief visits from family and friends, I was left alone with my newborn.  By the time Jack was a month old, everyone I knew had returned to their regularly scheduled life.  I quickly went stir-crazy.

I see this happening with other new moms and yet I’m helpless in the face of their loneliness.  I still have no notion as to how to avoid the isolation of the post partum time.  Looking back now, returning to work when Jack was 6 weeks old seems really early but I remember all too well how those days dragged on while I waited for Joe to get home and take over.  There was nothing to keep me sane except for the breastfeeding support group that I attended for two hours each week.  I loved that group for getting me out of the house, but I made no friends there.  I returned home after the session every week only slightly less lonely.

I did not have a child so that I could stick him in daycare for someone else to raise, yet I cannot be a stay-at-home parent, as I have neither the money nor the mental capacity to withstand it.  Perhaps in a different time or place, I could have done it.  Because in my view, not only does it take a village to raise a child, but it takes a tightly-knit community to support parents.

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By the way, it’s national delurk day!  Please leave a comment to let me know you’re out there.  It doesn’t have to be related to this post, but I’d love to hear your thoughts if you have something to add!

Parenthood and Mental Health

Since I didn’t post yesterday, I’m giving you two posts today!

I was reading Alice at Wonderland’s post about Post Partum Depression and clicked over to Tracy Thompson’s blog post about anxiety.  Tracy is the author of The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression.  In reading her “Balm” post, I was struck with how vividly she described something I have indeed experienced due to my depression/anxiety:

“…I was tidying up obsessively–making the bed, folding blankets, plumping pillows–because that is one of the things I do when I have this affliction; I feel the need to try to control every element of my environment, which of course I cannot do, but the more I fail the more I feel compelled to try, and no, don’t ask me to color with you, or listen to this knock-knock joke, don’t you see the linens must be folded??“

I have lived with depression for as long as I can remember, but was officially diagnosed 11 years go.  Since then I have come a long way and have mostly (except for a brief stint after a miscarriage) gotten by without medication for the past 7 years.  Loads of therapy has helped immensely, including joint therapy with my husband where he learned more about my disease and how to help me get out of a slump.  Sometimes I slip, and sometimes Joe doesn’t realize I have done so, but for the most part I have been in decent working order.

Having a child changed the dynamic a bit.  Obviously, it is difficult to manage mental health when a person is so focused on someone who can do little or nothing for themselves.  I have struggled over the past 9 months to stay ahead of my depression, and I do sometimes find myself thinking, “What is wrong with me?  Why am I sitting here googling pancake recipes when I could be playing or reading with my kid?”  Considering my past experiences, I find this to be the least of my worries about depression; I am just glad that I can usually recognize the problem when it occurs and force myself to go sit on the floor and build a tower of blocks for Jack to knock over.  Sometimes the fog lifts, and sometimes I have to fake it.  No matter what, I always try my best to stay healthy for my family.

Dear readers, do you deal with mental health issues?  It’s often such an isolating thing but I personally feel that it’s important to talk about it.

Things are…things

I don’t have a lot to say these days. I’ve been trying to get naps and hobbies in when I’m not working or taking care of Jack. I am pretty depressed, have been for months, and the snippets of free time I get are not enough to relieve it. I am so unhappy with every part of my life right now. I have everything I have wanted for so long and I resent it.

I don’t want to get on medication while breastfeeding but I think the effect of my depression on Jack is worse than the small amount of antidepressant he would get through my milk. There are quite a few antidepressants that are considered safe for breastfeeding mothers, but do I trust the medical community in this regard? I don’t think I have much choice, considering my history.

So, uh, lots to contemplate and little to say about it.

One hundred %

I can’t remember the last time I felt 100% fine. It’s probably been a year and a half, at least. I also can’t remember the last time I felt that I was giving 100% to family, friends, work, or myself, or receiving 100%. I think all of this is interconnected, so it makes sense that where one area is lacking, so is another.

I recently participated in an activity at work where I took a test to determine my strengths in an effort to learn how to apply them better at work. One of these strengths was Achiever and part of the description was, “every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself.” Needless to say, I am not a person who is comfortable “doing what I can” and lately I feel that I am half-assing everything. There is not even ONE thing that I can think of right now that I am excelling at and it really, really bothers me. It’s especially bad when I feel that I am short-changing Jack, which is unacceptable. I wish I knew how to fix it.

I am not sure if I’ve overcommitted myself (to life?) or if I’m not doing well because of sleep deprivation. Perhaps it’s both. In any case, I think it’s clear that I need a personal assistant. Or more therapy.

Kill me now

The weekend did not go as I had hoped. I was planning to finally get some time to myself and ended up with an hour (which was spent showering/dressing, eating lunch, and packing a diaper bag). Let’s start at the beginning.

Jack slept horribly Friday night. It was also a struggle to even get him to bed, which meant that our plans of watching netflix were completely dashed. I didn’t get to bed until late because I kept coughing and was trying to do everything I could think of to help my throat so that I didn’t wake the boy up. Well, he woke up over and over again all night long crying, presumably because of teething pain. I don’t think he went more than 1 hour at a time without waking. It was the worst night’s “sleep” I’ve ever had!!

I got no rest on Saturday, either – woke up pretty early to take care of the child and had baby duty for most of the day since Joe had homework. I did try to get together with my friend Jann, who had told me to call her if I wanted to quilt, but she ended up making other plans without me. Arg! So I didn’t get out of the apartment by myself at all. Instead I worked on our taxes and then all three of us went to Eureka to get some essentials at Target and to stop in at a friend’s place for an hour. Then it was back home and another struggle to put Jack to bed. The first time he awoke crying, I administered infant’s motrin and he slept great the rest of the night, thankfully.

Today was more of the same if you add on being close to tears most of the time. I got some projects around the home done but despite yesterday’s declaration that I would get some time to myself before the fucking superbowl, I got that harried hour. NOT what I was hoping for. I am so sick of not having any time to myself. I am worn down and exhausted, sick with a sinus infection for the second time in as many months, and I came to the realization that I really haven’t had a break since Jack was born. When Jack was a newborn and I was going through one of my hormonal crying jags, I told Joe, “I don’t want to be the mom.” I still kind of feel that way because even if I get out of the house by myself, I have to take a breast pump along to use every 2-3 hours. I am NEVER off duty.

Needless to say, I am not in a great place right now.

A little more PPD, a little less action

My mild depression has continued despite my efforts. Last night I had a hard time getting out of my funk, so Joe spent a good 10 minutes pretending to put a voodoo spell on me. Totally dorky but it made me laugh, at least. I feel like I’m having a hard time meeting my own expectations of a good wife and mother. I have stepped it up at work but still haven’t figured out the home thing. Splitting myself between Joe and Jack is not easy. I feel like I short change them both and because this is so unacceptable to me, I totally seize up. I know I have attachment issues and touch issues and this is all magnified when I am getting double the requests for love and attention. I am hoping to go back to counseling after the new year because I just can’t keep this up. It’s not fair to my family.

Fall is here, hear the yell

Jack is feeling much better. No more fevers, no more rash. And ever since he recovered, he has been a fantastic nurser! No more fits at the breast, yay!

Where has the week gone? I have been so busy that it has just flown by! Work has been going fairly well, although I am feeling the pressure with my boss leaving in a month. Also, there are big happenings that mean great things for the hospital, so everyone is running around doing tons of stuff. There will be much to celebrate in the coming month.

I called Humboldt Childcare Council yesterday to check on my application for subsidized childcare. They said I qualify but they have no funds right now! I felt like crying.

I’ve been feeling pretty stressed out and anxious. I broke down with an anxiety attack the other night. I have no idea why I’m quite this stressed. Maybe a combination of things – work, sick baby, lack of sleep, lack of money, the holidays. This time of year is always hard on me for some strange reason, and it all seems to come to a head around my birthday. Maybe it’s just the weather. I got my depression workbook out Monday night to work on some things that will hopefully help.

I am heading up to Oregon this weekend for Jen’s son Andy’s first birthday. I’m so excited to see her and in person! Plus, I’ve never been further into Oregon than Ashland. I hope the weather cooperates. It’s SO COLD here.

Alas, I leave you all with a little bit of irony: as of Thanksgiving Day, I fit back into my pre-pregnancy pants.

Sleep deprived and still at work

I am so tired. This teething stuff SUCKS. Jack was up every hour again last night and had trouble getting back to sleep around 5am (he was trying his hardest to stay asleep while thrashing about). I gave him some of the teething tablets and they worked within a couple of minutes. I wish I would have given them to him earlier in the night so that perhaps we would have gotten a more restful sleep.

I don’t know why I even come to work when I’m this tired. I don’t get much done and I’m so out of it. I just want to crawl under my desk and nap.

I was talking to Joe last night about how I have been feeling like I suck at pretty much everything. Like I am a totally crap wife, mother, employee, friend, etc. He responded by saying I am an amazing mother, the best parent he’s ever seen, and so much better than he even expected. Very nice of him to say. I know logically that I don’t totally suck but stress and fatigue have really gotten to me. I am feeling better than I was last week, though. I think things will keep getting better as long as I make sure to get just a little bit of time to myself each week. If I can fall asleep when I try to go to bed early, I’m sure that would help, too!

Hotel reservations are made for our trip to the bay area this weekend, and and have graciously agreed to care for the kitties while we are away. I am looking forward to friends, family, and good food!

And next on…

I guess we are dealing with some sort of nursing strike. What bullshit. I hope this ends soon.

I figured out today that I have a touch of depression. I need to be better about taking care of myself. The nursing strike sure isn’t helping.

Arg

So I have had this yeast infection called thrush for 5 freaking weeks now! It is painful and annoying and I can NOT get it to go away. I’ve been using a cream my lactation consultant told me about, but I wasn’t doing so consistently at first because I wasn’t sure I actually had the infection (I thought perhaps I was just healing from the damage Jack did from poor latch-on during the first week of breastfeeding).

I started to use the cream consistently about two weeks ago when the pain started getting worse again. I haven’t gotten any relief from the cream, so last weekend I added a vinegar treatment and started taking acidophilus pills (which have helped slightly). I spoke with the lactation consultant on Tuesday and she recommended gentian violet since none of the things I’m doing currently are treating Jack (although I’m not positive he has it, but we are guessing that this is why it seemed to be going away and then came back with a vengeance). I had been trying to avoid this treatment because it is super messy and potentially toxic if not used carefully, but I am getting desperate because in addition to the burning pain in my nipples, I now have shooting pains in my breasts. Jack also seems to be unlatching/relatching a lot more and it could be due to the thrush (although it could also be caused by my strong let-down and over abundant milk supply – so many freaking issues over here!).

Anyway, I went searching for the gentian violet today and no one here carries it!! At the local organic Co-op, I was told it was a really old-fashioned treatment. At the herb store, I was reminded that it can be toxic. Arg. The herbal store person recommended calendula oil but I can’t find any information online to support its use. I bought it, though, like a ding dong because I am desperate!

To top this mountain of problems off, the idiots who make appointments at my OB/GYN office canceled my appointment for tomorrow because they are having trouble with the concept of a 6 week post partum appointment (when I made the appointment, the retard said my insurance wouldn’t cover it because it was past 6 weeks post partum. I corrected her, and she scheduled the appointment. Fast forward to today when she called to tell me my insurance won’t cover an annual with a midwife, only with the GYN, so she rescheduled me for September. RETARDED BITCH.). So instead of being able to talk to the midwife about these issues and ask for a prescription for another treatment, I will have to call in and request something tomorrow and wait for them to get back to me. I’m sure that won’t go smoothly, either, because the receptionist is a retard!

I’m frustrated and annoyed!