One Busy Ewokmama

I have so many things to talk about I don’t know where to start! I want to write about Jack’s 3rd birthday party in a post of its own (as soon as his dad sends me party pictures), so I won’t talk about that here. How about a general update? I apologize in advance if this is poorly written, and will explain more on why that might be toward the end.

First off, an update on potty training. After using the potty twice at home, Jack went to his dad’s for the weekend and refused to use the potty there. He has also refused to use it since returning home, although he uses it about four times a day at daycare. I think he is hitting a point where he is afraid of growing up (did anyone see Moxie’s post about this recently?) because in addition to refusing to use the potty here, he also insists that he is NOT 3 (he would like to remain 2.5) and NOT a big boy. So, yeah. It’s not a big deal for me, though. For now, he is peeing in the potty at daycare and that is awesome. I am just happy to have a decreased amount of diaper laundry to wash!

This week has been absolutely insane. I had some major things going on with both of my roles at work, and it is the last week of my first semester in school. As you can imagine, I was pulled in many different directions and burning the candle at ends I didn’t even know it had. Finally, all of my major projects came to a close yesterday, include the second of my final projects for school. The relief is so great I woke up ill today (hence my poorly organized writing). Oh joy.

In addition to my two roles at school and my venture into college, I have gone and gotten myself involved in yet another project to which I just couldn’t say no! That project is called Savvy Source, a website with which many of you are probably already familiar. For those of you who aren’t already acquainted with Savvy Source, it is a website aimed at parents of toddlers and preschoolers who are looking for information on preschools and activities in their area. I have been hired to write for the San Francisco City Guide portion of the site and assist with some new tools the Powers That Be are unveiling. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be a part of this, and urge you all to go over to the site now and check it out. It is fantastic!

As you can see, my life is just a tad crazy right now, but it’s a good crazy and I totally asked for all of it. I wish there was slightly less chaos, but I could not think of a single thing I’d want to give up right now. I am loving my (busy) life, which is good because I don’t think things will be slowing down any time soon!

Ready, Set, Potty

We are very suddenly potty training. Well, training isn’t really the word. On Sunday Jack came to me and announced that he wanted to use the potty. I pulled out the Baby Bjorn potty, pulled his pants and diaper down, and read him a book about peeing and pooping while he did both on the potty. It was surprisingly easy. We clapped and were proud!

Monday night the same thing happened, so yesterday I sent Jack to daycare armed with pull-ups training pants. He used the potty five times! I had only one item to put in the laundry yesterday and that was a pair of cloth training pants. Yay! Last night he did not want to use the potty, but this morning at daycare he couldn’t take his eyes off the potty. Funny kid.

I am amused by this turn of events. Mostly I think it’s interesting that I didn’t have to do much at all – that Jack told me when he was ready to use the potty. I love it when things just fall into place like this; I’m a huge fan of parenting along the path of least resistance!

Titles

I have a new title.  Not only am I a divorced, working, blogging mother but I am also now a student.  And, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve added on another job title at work, which means I’m working two jobs in my 40 hour work week.  I decided it was time to make some changes and, well, I tend to do these things all at once.  I’m impatient like that.

I’m getting my degree through the University of Phoenix.  They have a program that works for people who can’t afford to leave their jobs to go to school and have very little time to actually attend school in a classroom.  (Also, I detest the classroom.  I am terrible at following along with lectures.)  The program is entirely online and so far it’s working out pretty well for me.  The best part is that my employer will reimburse me for about 75% of the costs!

I haven’t taken any classes in about six years, so this is a bit of a transition for me.  Still, I’m settling in and so far school work is not interfering with my home life much other than making me a little extra tired.  I’m thankful that Jack is fairly low maintenance at this age (at least compared to the baby days) and generally allows me a decent night’s sleep, otherwise I doubt I could do this.  There is still some worry that I may be putting my own needs ahead of my son’s, but I also know that my education can have a very positive impact on Jack, as well.  I am hoping the good influence outweighs the small amount of time school takes away from my time with Jack.

Not always sunshine and lollipops

Jack slept terribly last night perhaps due to nightmares?  It’s hard to say but he cried out in his sleep without actually waking up.  I stumbled to his room and lay down with him for a bit and he was fine.  Who knows, maybe he was just cold (he refuses to sleep with a blanket).

This morning, he woke up cranky as heck.  He yelled for me at the top of his lungs (getting louder the longer I took to drag myself out of bed).  When I went into his room, he told me he needed to snuggle and take a nap.  I told him it was time to get up and he started crying (well, more like whining as there were no real tears).  He walked over to his bedroom door and tried to shut it several times, slamming it against the frame because he neglected to turn the knob.  When I helped him out he was upset and made me open it again so he could do it.  Then he decided he DIDN’T want it closed – instead he wanted to look for his rocket in the dining room.  He cried that he didn’t want to stand in front of the heater to get warm when I huddled next to it and even went so far as to insist that I take my sweatshirt off (crying when I refused).  I was able to get a shirt and socks on him, but then he didn’t want to wear “that diaper” and would not wear shoes or sandals.  Furthermore, he got upset when my cell phone was referred to something other than a spaceship, did not and then DID want friendship bread, didn’t want to go outside or to daycare this morning, freaked about not having his cup of milk on the way to daycare and then asked over and over again where his friendship bread went (“Dude, you ate it!  It went into your belly!”)…this all in the span of about 45 minutes.

Needless to say, it’s days like this that make me insanely happy that I work.  Now if I just had a sleeping bag with me…

Multiple personalities

A lot of parents worry that their children won’t do XYZ when they go to daycare because of how they do things at home.  I’ve heard (and sometimes shared) concerns about sleeping and eating habits.  But here is the reality: kids are better behaved at daycare.  I don’t know if it’s the herd mentality or the fact that at home he feels the need to assert his independence, but it’s pretty amazing the things Jack will do at daycare without any fuss at all.

• At home Jack runs from me when it’s diaper changing time, but at daycare he will lay down when the other kids are getting diapers changed and demand that his be changed, as well, wet or not!
• Jack fights sleep at home (unless he is *really* tired) and has very strict policies about being in his bed with only a sheet covering him.  Also, Mom must lay down with him and we can’t forget to read at least three books.  At daycare, he will ask to take a nap and lay down on the floor with toys clutched to his chest.  He rarely sleeps less than 2 hours and no snuggling or reading is necessary.
• Many a day Jack has bemoaned going to daycare, claiming that he does not want to see his friends, and then when we get there he lights up and runs off to play without giving me a second thought.
• Shoes are always a struggle.  You may all remember that I had to buy the same exact style of See Kai Run shoes in the next size up and hide the fact that they were new from Jack.  I have many other pairs of shoes for Jack, as well, which he will not wear at home but will wear at daycare.
• Jack favors cucumbers and apples and cheese at home.  At daycare he prefers corn and carrots and pasta.
• When I dance or sing at home he tells me to stop with a glare.  At daycare he is the star of the dancing/singing show!

What can you add?

Another Crazy Daycare Story

The move to San Francisco went really smoothly and for the most part we are settled into our new house and routine.  I think we did a great job of unpacking and making the place ours because Jack didn’t even seem to notice we moved. 

The only major adjustment issue was daycare (OF COURSE!).  The new place did not work out nearly as well as I had hoped and the whole situation has left me a little bewildered.  I thought I had completed the due diligence but I guess there is only so much you can tell about a person in an hour…I did not foresee that F, the provider, would want to be paid under the table or that I would pick Jack up after 8 hours and see that he had only had one diaper change all day.  I got really worried during week three when I noticed he was not settling in and still cried when I dropped him off, not to mention a lack of napping during those three weeks (he napped a total of three times, never more than 30 minutes).  I dropped him off shaking one day (I cried on the way to work) and the next day she handed my check back to me and asked for tuition in cash.  Between the shaking that I couldn’t get over and the request for cash, I decided to search for a new daycare.  That is when I saw that despite telling me in the initial interview that Jack would take the last daycare spot, F was advertising on craigslist that she had two more spots open.  SHEESH.

The next day I visited two daycares, both located within five minutes of our new location.  The second daycare, run by G, was one I had nearly visited the first time around but didn’t because I didn’t hear from the provider until after I enrolled Jack at F‘s.  G‘s place was AMAZING and Jack ran around the entire time playing and even interacted with her, trusting her enough to hand her the rocket he built.  Two days later I gave our 2 weeks notice to F and asked for a partial refund on tuition for that month (which I needed because the new place was twice the cost).

Fast foward to five days later…I was running late and called F to ask if it was okay to bring Jack later than usual.  The line was disconnected.  Yikes.  No way was I going to drop Jack off there when I couldn’t get in touch with her, especially after everything else that had happened.  Jack stayed home with David that day and I called G to ask if Jack could start right away.  She said yes and Jack started the next day (last Thursday).  He took a two hour nap that first day and also the next.  He hasn’t been clinging to me in the evenings when I pick him up – instead he hides behind a curtain hoping to stay at daycare but is still content when I drag him out the door.  Huge difference!  Not only that, but because he is happier, I am happier and not filled with anxiety every morning.

As for F, I emailed her and she did call me and said she didn’t know what was going on with her phone but promised to call me that night.  I was not surprised when she didn’t call.  I could ask for my money back again but I doubt I’d get it.  I am sucking it up – the $1700 total cost of daycare for March.  It’s really hard, but I am doing it.  The new place is expensive (about $500 more than what I was paying in Alameda) but worth every freaking penny.  It’s huge, the provider and other kids are wonderful, the provider is extremely organized and in the last four years of running her daycare has never taken a sick day, they take trips to the park nearly every day, and her sister runs a daycare right next door.  Big bonus – it is only 5 minutes away from our house.

I’m hopeful, so very hopeful, that this is the last daycare I ever enroll my child in.  That poor child has been in the care of WAY too many providers in his 2.5 years.  I am glad the stories I have to tell aren’t full of real horror (thankfully Jack has never been in danger), but the bad daycare experiences have been way too many in number.  If the good experiences weren’t so amazing, I would have thought more about being a welfare mom a long time ago!

New Daycare

I took Jack to his new daycare yesterday and he immediately started playing and having a great time.  I stayed for about 15 minutes just to make sure all was well and then departed.  He had a fabulous day and when I picked him up he was happy as a clam.  He told his daycare provider he would see her again tomorrow and gave her a hug!  We chatted all the way home about the fun he had and his new friends Flavia and Javier.  It was really the perfect first day.

Today was a different story.  Even though he had a good night’s sleep he woke up in a snit and wouldn’t get dressed again.  It took me an hour and a half to get him ready and in the car and he was crying and throwing a fit about wanting to stay home.  I suspected today’s drop-off would be hard (since he knows what’s going on now) but this was pretty awful.  I felt terrible for him but also upset for myself because I was beyond late for work.  Jack clung to me when we arrived at daycare so of course now I am feeling awfully guilty.

I know he is fine (I have checked up on him).  He always calms down soon after I leave and the daycare transition typically takes about 2 weeks.  Until he settles in, though, I will feel like I’m abandoning my baby every day to go to a job that I don’t even like.  Alas, if only I was independently wealthy!

Moving to the city

We are moving and moving means changing daycares…  Yeah, I know; you don’t have to say it.  I know I’m crazy!  But, really, this is going to be an awesome change for us.  It will mean that I won’t be spending time on commuting an hour to get to the daycare before it closes (at 5!) when I should be working a full 8 hour day.  Also, a shorter commute (half of what it is now) means more time with Jack.  Our rent will be less and we’ll have a washer and dryer in the house.  We will have a backyard where Jack can run around!  We’ll have lots of families for neighbors.  We’ll live about a block from a park.  Best of all, I think, is that the time we spend driving to San Rafael to get Jack to Joe will be 15 minutes each way instead of 45-60!  Woo hoo!

I looked at daycares last week and hit the freaking jackpot.  The first place I visited was decent, but it didn’t feel like THE PLACE.  It was small, a bit pricey, and brand new (meaning Jack would be the first kid enrolled).   The provider was sweet and the place would have worked, but I didn’t like it as much as I like his current daycare.  I went into the second place with low expectations because all I know about the place was that it was extremely affordable and a little further than I thought I’d want to go.  But the drive to the place was a breeze and as soon as I walked in I felt at ease.  The provider is Brazilian, just as his current providers are.  She also has a similar menu and schedule as the current daycare.  Jack will get to continue his Portuguese education!  The number of kids in her care is small and she has a helper doing dishes and cooking meals, so the attention factor is high.  The vibe was perfect, so I took the spot and we went back Saturday to introduce Jack to the provider.  That went well, so the deal was sealed!

So far this move is coming together nicely.  This is the easiest time I’ve ever had finding a place we will love to live and also a daycare that we will be happy with (I am of course hoping that a similar environment and a warm-up period will make for an easier transition).  I think the most amazing part is that we are moving into the CITY and yet our rent and daycare costs will decrease.

I’m excited!

Little update on my personal life

I have been very hesitant to say anything on this blog about what has been going on for me personally, but the dust has settled somewhat so perhaps I can report on a few things.  I think last time I mentioned anything, Joe and I had decided to separate.  That separation was painful, mainly due to the hurt we caused our family members.  After 11 years together, there is no way to make something like this seamless.  The separation turned into divorce, for which I filed the paperwork almost a month ago.  Good lord, did that involve a lot of paper!!  It’s unbelievable how difficult the whole process is.

Jack has transitioned really well.  Joe moved a little over an hour away from us but I have tried to keep everything stable for Jack by staying in Alameda and keeping him in the same daycare.  This has done wonders.  Since the very beginning of all of this, he has been his normal self at home for the most part.  He did have some trouble going between me and Joe for the first month or so, but as soon as Joe found his footing and was able to stabilize things on his end, Jack’s demeanor also improved.

It’s tiring, all of it.  Dividing up our belongings, speaking with family and friends about the reasoning behind the decision, being solely responsible for Jack most of the days of the week, carting Jack to and from Marin several times per week (due to daycare/work schedules, Joe can’t take Jack two days in a row), filing paperwork and getting finances in order…divorce is not the easy way out, that is for sure.  I knew as soon as I moved into my new apartment, though, that I was going in the right direction and that has kept me afloat (along with a lot of support from family and friends).

Despite entering the dating scene with no expectations of finding anyone with whom I would click, I met someone special very quickly.  All I can say is that I got incredibly lucky and things fell into place at just the right time.  David and Jack get along famously, which is another amazing blessing.  I feel like I’ve moved mountains to make this life that I have now possible, but it was so worth it.

I am finally leaving behind the depression that I have been working so hard to fight off for the last few years.  I am halfway done with an intensive therapy program.  It has been really, really exhausting (in addition to everything else I’ve been doing!) to deal with some old wounds but it is leaving me feeling lighter and happier than I ever  have before.  And that has allowed me to be a better mom to Jack.

Life is measured by details

One of the things about the separation that I haven’t totally worked out is this: I will become responsible for both daycare pick-up and drop-off.  At first I thought I could just work longer hours on Mondays and Tuesdays (Joe’s current days off, when he has Jack) but as of mid-September, Joe will have a different job and schedule that gives him Sundays and Mondays off.  In order for me to get Jack to daycare and drop him off, that means I would have to cram an extra 2 hours onto Mondays to make up for the time I’m taking off the rest of the week.  Daycare has strict hours and it takes me an hour to get to/from work.  Also, Jack is currently enrolled 3 days a week, so I HOPE that they can take him on Tuesdays.  Fingers crossed.

Somehow, I know it will work out.  Things usually do.  It’s just a bit anxiety-inducing in the mean time.

From the land of cute – last night as we were heading to bed, I told Jack to say goodnight to his grandma.  “Nigh-night, Grandma!”  Then he added,  “I love you, Grandma!”  Awwwww.  Love those unprompted expressions of emotion!

Hair for moms

I snuck out to the hair salon on Sunday.  It had been a somewhat frustrating day with Jack refusing to nap (he went the whole day without napping!), and at one point I just decided I need to get out.  I called up the salon and within 10 minutes they were chopping away at my hair.

The thing is, I was not prepared ahead of time.  I had no pictures of what I wanted and my hair had not been cut in a year, so there was no recognizable style for the stylist to touch up.  I did my best to describe what I wanted and she assured me she knew what I had in mind.  I sat back, relaxed, chatted about my little boy, and entrusted her with my hair.  Perhaps I should have talked less about my kid, ’cause in the end I got Mom Hair.

The stylist did a good job considering that I had no picture and basically told her “I want it this length with fringed ends, layered a little bit.”  Yeah, that can mean so many things…so she just missed the mark.  And not only is it Mom Hair, but it’s shaped a bit like a mushroom.

I understand now why moms so often end up with Mom Hair.  You are pressed for time when you’re a parent.  You don’t have the luxury of planning ahead when it comes to your own needs.  It’s harder to make an appointment, harder to find time to search through magazines and websites for the perfect style, harder to speak up when you realize the cut isn’t quite what you wanted because you need to get back home to your family and just want it to be over soon.  And you hope that when you style it (ha ha ha, that is if you have TIME to style it) the cut will look better than the overly-fluffy, curled under look you are showcasing when you head home.  A day later and you realize you really don’t like it but, ugh, it took a year to get into the damned salon and no way do you have time to go back and get it fixed.

Mom Hair – it’s not the hair you want, but the hair you have time for.

Getting There

It’s been a couple months since I started treatment for my depression.  I am doing a lot better in most respects.  My moods are stablilizing and as long as I keep things simple, I am functioning fairly well.  I’m learning how to tend to my own needs in addition to my family’s.  It’s still difficult but I am hopeful that with time and effort it will become second nature.

Still, it never feels like there is downtime.  I resent my commute to work because that is additional time taken away from my family.  There are so few hours on weeknights and those hours are often filled with chores: preparing dinner, dishes, bills, packing the diaper bag, laundry…it seems I am always doing chores instead of spending time with Joe and Jack.  In addition, I spend two nights a week at Kaiser trying to get all of this depression stuff worked out.  I know it will be worth it, and I need those hours set aside to work on myself, but I miss my family fiercely.

Adding to the complications in our life, Joe is jobless after June.  He has an interview this weekend, and we are hopeful that this one will come through for him.  If he is hired, we will still have other things to worry about.  It’s a seasonal job, so the future is still uncertain.  His commute will be at least an hour each way, and we are locked into our apartment lease until October so we cannot move closer.  A longer commute for Joe will mean continued stress around getting Jack to and from daycare.  I would need to get to work late and leave early every day in order to do the dropping off and picking up.  I’m sure the problem with that is obvious.

We have challenges ahead of us but I feel more prepared to deal with them than I did six months ago.  I know we will make it through because we always do.  I’m trying to look at the upcoming uncertainty as an opportunity to flex my newfound depression-fighting muscles.  I’m keenly aware that Jack is watching, and I am hoping he’ll learn from me how to kick ass in life.

On the road to weaning

We are somewhat working on weaning.  Well, some say that weaning begins when solids are introduced, but that is not how I think of weaning.  Up until very recently, I have always let Jack call the shots on nursing.  Nursing is an important part of his nutrition as well as his emotional development, and I don’t want to take it away before he is ready.  With that said, I have found breastfeeding to be emotionally difficult for me throughout the duration, and I feel that I am reaching my limit.  I am trying to strike a balance that will work for both Jack and me.

As Jack has shown less interest in nursing and more interest in the world around him, I have begun to test the waters a bit.  I have really made an effort to get on top of solids to ensure that meals are prepared quickly when he gets hungry so that he is less likely to get impatient and decide to nurse instead of eat solids.  Consistency and proactivity about meal and snack times have been key.  Additionally, when he does ask to nurse I try to see if I can offer cow’s milk or water instead, or a hug if it seems that he wants attention.  This has been working really well, with only minimal balking from Jack.

I’ve stepped things up as of late.  Many a morning I have had to leave for work before Jack is up, so we skip our morning nursing session.  Some mornings we run late and although he asks to nurse, I offer him food or water or cow’s milk and he is perfectly content with that (although it surprises me every time!).  I have been attending group therapy directly after work on Thursdays and so we have delayed that post-work nursing session or skipped it in favor of a longer nursing-to-sleep session after I get home.  He has been sleeping so well lately that some days we are down to only one nursing session!

I’m going out of town tonight and I have thought a lot about what will happen while I’m away and when I return.  I know that some kids Jack’s age wean themselves when their mamas travel away for a few days, and I’m prepared for that possibility.  Still, I can’t really see that happening.  It would sure shock the hell out of me.  More likely, the remaining nursing sessions will continue to dwindle away until we cease for good some time in the fall.  That would be just about perfect, in my opinion.

While I’m looking forward to moving on from this stage of our relationship, I know it also signifies that Jack is truly starting to grow up.  That, of course, sends a little pang to my heart.  Nursing or not, Jack will always be my sweet son, my special little guy, my babyman.

More than Words

Jack has been speaking in sentences for months but for the most part they were either two word sentences or copied from Joe or me (“Ca’have please?”).  Recently he has started to use pronouns, adjectives, and he has been changing words out of his standard vocabulary to suit different situations.  “I like it” became “I want it” and then evolved to “I want other side please.”  This weekend as we were driving around Humboldt, he pointed out the window and said “Trees!  Tall trees!  I like trees!”  He has also figured out that the opposite of more is “no more.”  Witnessing his growing understanding of language is fascinating.  We are there to supply the tools but his mind is doing all the work of figuring out how to use them.  We are constantly being surprised by his language skills.

I believe I have mentioned that Jack’s daycare providers are Brazilian and speak both English and Portuguese to the kids.  Jack is quickly learning all kinds of words that Joe and I are clueless about (since we know only limited amounts of Spanish and French, and no Portuguese!).  Luckily Jack is starting to ask for things in multiple languages to make sure he gets his point across.  It totally cracked me up the first time I heard him ask for “mais” when I didn’t provide the response he was looking for to “more.”

Daycare Transition Revisited

Daycare is going so well now.  Jack is firmly settled in and each morning when we drop him off he dashes out of our arms to play with the other kids.  He no longer even says goodbye!  Two days ago we got an opportunity to observe everyone on their way to the park and Jack’s face was totally lit up.  It was so wonderful to see.

Of course I feel a little twinge when he completely forgets about me the moment the providers open their front door, but mostly I am just thrilled that we have found such wonderful people to care for our son while we’re at work.  He is clearly thriving and this transition has really shown me that my feelings about the previous daycare were spot on.  This experience has taught me that I *do* have instincts.  Thank goodness I listened to them!

And even though he doesn’t say goodbye, he is always ecstatic to see us when we pick him up.