The Making of a Step-Family

Jack’s daycare is closed this week for spring break.  Since David is still job hunting (applying for the few and far between jobs that come available – arg, the economy surely sucks!), Jack is at home with him.  David has watched Jack by himself for a few hours at a time upon occasion and has helped with day-to-day care of Jack but this is the first time he’s had extended sole responsibility of the boy.  And you know what?  He is doing a fantastic job!

I’m not that surprised.  David is a natural with kids and also extremely observant.  He has absorbed a lot about how I parent just by watching and living with me and Jack.  He has integrated into the step-father role with a larger amount of ease than I thought was possible.  This just makes me love him that much more!

Monday went even more smoothly than I had anticipated.  Not only did Jack have *fun* with David, but he ate really well, played at the park, and even took a two hour nap!  David is proud of himself and with good reason – getting a toddler to nap is not usually an easy feat and two hours of sleep?  That is pure perfection.

I am truly enthralled watching the step-parenting transition happen and the bond grow between David and Jack.  Parenting with blood relatives is fairly straight-forward as you have the obvious ties and social norms to rely on.  Joe and I had some things to negotiate between the two of us in our parenting partnership, but our responsibilities toward Jack were pretty simple to determine.  The step-parent integration seems more complex, as it generally takes place over less time and the dynamics aren’t always readily apparent or accepted.  Rejection can come from the child, the mother, the father, or the person doing the step-parenting.  David has had to consider everything he does with Jack from the perspective of Jack, of me, and of Joe.  He has been very careful not to step on any toes while at the same time interacting with Jack in a manner that would get them on the right path to a symbiotic step-parent/-child relationship.  His methods have paid off, it seems.  I’m sure there will be challenges that aren’t resolved easily in the future, but it is good to know we have some success to build upon.

Little update on my personal life

I have been very hesitant to say anything on this blog about what has been going on for me personally, but the dust has settled somewhat so perhaps I can report on a few things.  I think last time I mentioned anything, Joe and I had decided to separate.  That separation was painful, mainly due to the hurt we caused our family members.  After 11 years together, there is no way to make something like this seamless.  The separation turned into divorce, for which I filed the paperwork almost a month ago.  Good lord, did that involve a lot of paper!!  It’s unbelievable how difficult the whole process is.

Jack has transitioned really well.  Joe moved a little over an hour away from us but I have tried to keep everything stable for Jack by staying in Alameda and keeping him in the same daycare.  This has done wonders.  Since the very beginning of all of this, he has been his normal self at home for the most part.  He did have some trouble going between me and Joe for the first month or so, but as soon as Joe found his footing and was able to stabilize things on his end, Jack’s demeanor also improved.

It’s tiring, all of it.  Dividing up our belongings, speaking with family and friends about the reasoning behind the decision, being solely responsible for Jack most of the days of the week, carting Jack to and from Marin several times per week (due to daycare/work schedules, Joe can’t take Jack two days in a row), filing paperwork and getting finances in order…divorce is not the easy way out, that is for sure.  I knew as soon as I moved into my new apartment, though, that I was going in the right direction and that has kept me afloat (along with a lot of support from family and friends).

Despite entering the dating scene with no expectations of finding anyone with whom I would click, I met someone special very quickly.  All I can say is that I got incredibly lucky and things fell into place at just the right time.  David and Jack get along famously, which is another amazing blessing.  I feel like I’ve moved mountains to make this life that I have now possible, but it was so worth it.

I am finally leaving behind the depression that I have been working so hard to fight off for the last few years.  I am halfway done with an intensive therapy program.  It has been really, really exhausting (in addition to everything else I’ve been doing!) to deal with some old wounds but it is leaving me feeling lighter and happier than I ever  have before.  And that has allowed me to be a better mom to Jack.