Like his mama

I’ve known for a while that Jack is a LOT like me.  And one of the things about me is that I’m damned stubborn.  There are certain things in life that I just don’t do until I’m pushed and prodded.  Jack is turning out to be the same but I didn’t realize that until we started to wean.

For months I’ve been trying various tactics to sway Jack from nursing.  Delays, distractions, and even outright refusals on my part.  Still it didn’t look like he was going to give up nursing any time soon.  Fortunately the custody arrangement Joe and I have has done a lot to help out in this process.  My once crazy oversupply settled down considerably as we skipped so many nighttime nursing sessions when Jack was with his dad.  One hurdle tackled!  I didn’t know where to go from there, though.  No matter how persistent I was with weaning tactics, he was stubbornly holding on to breastfeeding.

To give some background, I am a proponent of self-weaning.  I don’t care if other moms do it that way, but that is what I believe in for myself and my child.  With that said, I also believe that nursing is a relationship, one in which both participants should have a say in what happens.   Breastfeeding has always been a huge challenge for me due to touch issues from my messy childhood, but it was worth it to me to ignore those issues if I could in order to give my child the healthiest start possible.  Two years was my goal - I was pretty sure I could hold out that long, and I did.  When we hit two years, my impatience grew exponentially.  Then, a month ago, I reached the end of my rope when it became clear that Jack was no longer being settled at bedtime with nursing.  He nursed, then asked for cow’s milk, then asked for water, then flailed about until he fell asleep.  It was taking over an hour to get him to sleep once we got into bed and I knew this didn’t happen at his dad’s.  It was clear that nursing wasn’t doing the trick it used to, and on top of that Jack started to kick and hit me during our nursing sessions.  The benefits were no longer outweighing the cons for me or for Jack.

Enter David, my boyfriend.  He noticed how frustrated I was getting, so he studied Jack and me in order to figure out when/why Jack was asking to nurse.  He pointed out that Jack usually seemed bored or in need of comfort when he asked to nurse.  Put together with the fact that I had noticed nursing wasn’t working at bedtime, I realized Jack was probably ready to stop nursing and just didn’t know there were other ways to get his needs met.  With that, I decided to attempt a true weaning effort.  I waited until a weekend so that if I was up all night trying to get him to sleep, I wouldn’t have to worry about working the next day.  I explained to Jack that “mama’s milk is broken; there is no more” (and receiving kisses for my “owies”) and reminded him a few times when he forgot.  We spent extra time snuggling and increased the number of books we read to get sleepy.    It actually went very smoothly and Jack slept through the night with no problems.  That was 12 days ago…

So we are done.  Jack’s asked for mama’s milk maybe 2-3 times in the last two weeks and when I reminded him we no longer have mama’s milk, he wasn’t upset at all.  No tantrums, no tears.  Big sigh of relief from me!  Now that I look back I can clearly see all the signs of his readiness for weaning.  All he needed was some prodding!

On the road to weaning

We are somewhat working on weaning.  Well, some say that weaning begins when solids are introduced, but that is not how I think of weaning.  Up until very recently, I have always let Jack call the shots on nursing.  Nursing is an important part of his nutrition as well as his emotional development, and I don’t want to take it away before he is ready.  With that said, I have found breastfeeding to be emotionally difficult for me throughout the duration, and I feel that I am reaching my limit.  I am trying to strike a balance that will work for both Jack and me.

As Jack has shown less interest in nursing and more interest in the world around him, I have begun to test the waters a bit.  I have really made an effort to get on top of solids to ensure that meals are prepared quickly when he gets hungry so that he is less likely to get impatient and decide to nurse instead of eat solids.  Consistency and proactivity about meal and snack times have been key.  Additionally, when he does ask to nurse I try to see if I can offer cow’s milk or water instead, or a hug if it seems that he wants attention.  This has been working really well, with only minimal balking from Jack.

I’ve stepped things up as of late.  Many a morning I have had to leave for work before Jack is up, so we skip our morning nursing session.  Some mornings we run late and although he asks to nurse, I offer him food or water or cow’s milk and he is perfectly content with that (although it surprises me every time!).  I have been attending group therapy directly after work on Thursdays and so we have delayed that post-work nursing session or skipped it in favor of a longer nursing-to-sleep session after I get home.  He has been sleeping so well lately that some days we are down to only one nursing session!

I’m going out of town tonight and I have thought a lot about what will happen while I’m away and when I return.  I know that some kids Jack’s age wean themselves when their mamas travel away for a few days, and I’m prepared for that possibility.  Still, I can’t really see that happening.  It would sure shock the hell out of me.  More likely, the remaining nursing sessions will continue to dwindle away until we cease for good some time in the fall.  That would be just about perfect, in my opinion.

While I’m looking forward to moving on from this stage of our relationship, I know it also signifies that Jack is truly starting to grow up.  That, of course, sends a little pang to my heart.  Nursing or not, Jack will always be my sweet son, my special little guy, my babyman.

I’m sure this is some kind of milestone

Last night, for the first time ever, Jack favored solid food over nursing!  He had only been nursing for about 5 minutes after I got home from work when Joe pulled out the Pirate’s Booty…Jack yanked my shirt down, said bye-bye, and ran to beg for some snacks.  I was shocked!  Cheese puffs favored over breastmilk?  He got a few while I prepared a more wholesome dinner.

Then, this morning, I was running late to catch my bus and Jack woke up before I got out the door.  He decided he wanted to take his sweet time at my breast (even taking the second side!).  “Joe, get the yogurt raisins,” I requested.  As soon as Jack saw the package, he flew off my lap, nursing forgotten.

Not only that, but he drank a significant amount of cow’s milk at daycare yesterday.  This is the first time he has taken milk of any type while away from me in months.  Could an end to breastfeeding be in sight?

No More Pumping!

It’s been a week and a half since I pumped last.  I had been trying to pump less and less but got impatient.  On January 31 I just decided to cut out that last pumping session.  So far I haven’t had any plugged ducts and no cases of mastitis (knock on wood) but I am certainly engorged by the end of the work day.  Twice now I’ve arrived home to find Joe and Jack gone off on some adventure and my mind screamed, “Nooooooooo, they have to come home so I can get some relief!”

So, nearly 18 months of expressing under my belt and I’m no longer running off every few hours to read while listening to the rhythmic hum of the pump motor and the drip drip drip of milk filtering into collection bottles.  I won’t miss that pump one bit, although there was a time I welcomed a pumping schedule over a nursing one.  After 6 weeks of being home with Jack establishing our breastfeeding relationship while dealing with thrush, latch issues, and oversupply, pumping for a couple of 15-minute sessions per day was a piece of cake.  If Jack would actually drink any milk at all these days, I would probably keep at it for a while longer because it’s easier to continue pumping than it is to stop.  I only have so much freezer space, though, and (obviously) no reason to keep pumping!

I have my fingers crossed that my my milk supply will adjust soon but past experience tells me I might have to make use of cabbage and peppermint tea.  At the moment I am feeling lazy and celebratory.  I am happy to be out of the pumping stage.
Here’s to 18 months (give or take, via Kellymom)!

Back to Normal

Our household is recovered.  Yay!!!  Jack seemed like he would never get well and then BAM!  He’s totally back to normal.

I’m stressing about his food intake, though.  Before he got sick he was hardly drinking any expressed breastmilk during the day, and only sips water.  Now he’s cut out milk completely.  Joe has tried sippies, straws, bottles and none of them seem to persuade him.  That may be okay since I nurse at least 3-4 times each day but he is not eating enough solid foods, either.  The best I can tell, he is getting maybe 400 calories a day from solids.  In total he needs about 1300 calories a day.  I estimate he gets about 400 from me but it’s (obviously) hard to say.  He used to be in the 85 percentiles for height and weight, but has dropped down to about the 30th.

We are visiting his pediatrician next week for his 18 month check up but I’m nervous because this is the first time I don’t feel confident about Jack’s intake.  I don’t have much trust for doctors and this one has never seen us before.  There isn’t anything we could be doing differently, though, so I know I shouldn’t worry so much.  Perhaps it is a phase, or maybe it will get better when he is back at daycare with a real schedule and other kids around encouraging him to do what they are doing.

Other than that, we’re spending our time talking about colors a lot.  With Jack’s recent discovery of crayons, he is fairly obsessed.  It’s not enough, though, to color by himself.  No, he wants to watch US color.  We’ve been pointing out the names of colors (last night we had a lesson about the colors of his diapers) and he’s been adding to his vocabulary.  So far his favorite is definitely yellow.

We’ve also been reading counting books and Jack pretends to count constantly.  It’s pretty damned cute when he randomly says, “two…twee…fah…”  I *think* he is starting to figure out the correct order but it’s hard to say.  Last night I showed him  how to hold  up the number of fingers but that is going to take a ton of practice.

It’s fascinating to me to see how kids learn.  I truly am amazed at how human beings function.  As I was sitting in a meeting at work today, I looked at the presenter and pictured him as a child learning the basics of math.  It was then that it hit me that someday Jack is going to grow up and be an expert on something.  It’s going to be so weird!

Help Build the Mothers Milk Bank of New England

Tanya over at the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog has a goal to build a non-profit breastmilk bank in the northeast.  If you would like to help her realize this goal, please go to her page to read the details and vote in the contest (site registration is required) being held by IdeaBlob to grant her $10,000 to build a milk bank!  Also, pass on the word please.

Another piece

Last night I laid in bed for over an hour before I finally fell asleep.  Jack was sleeping soundly next to me and yet my mind wouldn’t shut off and give in to slumber.  Instead I lay there with negative and paranoid thoughts until I started to question why it was happening.  Then I examined the past few weeks of what I have been calling “perpetual PMS” – the lack of energy, short temper, headaches, and feelings of disconnection, and I realized that I have started down the depression road again.  It’s interesting how long it takes me to figure it out, even after living with this affliction for (officially) 13 years now.  Luckily I have recognized it before things have gone too far, and I can put a plan into place to take better care of myself.

Last night I also became aware of how breastfeeding has made an impact on my life over the past 18 months.   Following the miscarriage of my first pregnancy, I struggled with severe post partum depression.  It was beyond anything I had experienced prior to that (or since); the grief of that loss was expected, but the hormonal landslide that occured ripped the floor from beneath me.  When I look back on that time, I don’t recognize myself at all.

After that period, which involved lots of medication and therapy, I worried that I would experience severe depression again even after a successful pregnancy.  This made the decision to breastfeed that much smarter in my case, as I had read that breastfeeding can help a new mother avoid depression.  It has certainly seemed to work for me; the level of depression I felt after Jack was born was mild and managed with relative ease.  As I lay in bed last night, I realized that the more serious symptoms of depression I’ve been experiencing have increased as I have decreased breastfeeding and pumping sessions.  There are other factors, of course, but for now, I have one more piece to add to the depression puzzle in my life.  I also have work to do to get myself back in shape!

Kangaroo Care and Babywearing

When I was pregnant and going through the onerous task of registering for baby gear, I asked Joe if he had any special requests.  He had no desire to be part of the gear registry for the most part but, to my astonishment, he did ask for a Baby Bjorn.  I had no idea he even knew what that was!  I added it to the registry and our good friend Sabrina ended up buying it for us.

We also received a Snugli as an off-the-registry gift from a family friend.  We decided that the BB would be Joe’s and the Snugli would be mine; that way, we wouldn’t have to worry about readjusting the straps all the time (as Joe is 8″ taller than me and weighs twice what I do).  This turned out to be a very good decision, as adjusting the Snugli was a major pain in the ass.  There are a million straps, it seems.

Parents of premature or children with low birth weight are often advised to practice kangaroo care (or skin-to-skin contact) as it has been shown to help regulate heart rate, temperature, and breathing.  Kangaroo care has also been known to improve the breastfeeding relationship, infant sleep, weight gain, and overall mood.  Having read about the benefits of kangaroo care prior to giving birth, I made sure to mention it in my birth plan wishes.  When Jack was born blue, with his umbilical cord wrapped around him three times, he was placed naked against my chest while receiving oxygen and quickly regained his color and his breathing recovered.  Joe also practiced skin-to-skin in the hospital when Jack’s body temperature tanked after a bath, and we have used the method at home many times.  Kangaroo care is not just for preemies!

After seeing first hand how kangaroo care can help in caring for newborns, we were even more excited about babywearing.  Since Jack was so big (8 lbs 10 oz) when he was born and had such great head control, he was able to go into the carriers within a week (at which point he weighed 9.5 lbs).  As most people with newborns know, babies like to be held a lot.  I’m sure most parents have numerous photos of their newborns sleeping on their chests.  In Jack’s case, he simply would not stand for sleeping more than 5 minutes anywhere but in our arms.  We tried the swing, the Pack N Play basinette, the bouncer and he would have none of it.  This is one of the reasons we started co-sleeping at night.  During the day, we made good use of the baby carrier.

Joe is a hiker, so in his pre-baby daydreams, he saw himself exploring nature with Jack.  This has worked really well because when everything else fails to soothe Jack to sleep, a nice long walk works almost every single time.

I did a lot of babywearing, as well.  The carriers have enabled me to get out of the house while preventing Jack from having a meltdown.  Additionally, I really enjoy having my boy zonked out while snuggling up to my chest.  Since Jack gained weight so rapidly, though, the Snugli didn’t work well for us – it soon became a huge burden on my shoulders and back (a common complaint with both the Snugli and the Baby Bjorn).  I had heard good things about the Ergo, as it had been touted as being more comfortable and healthier for the developing child’s hips and spine, and I got the chance to try one when I visited Jen in Oregon.  Soon after that trip, my sister asked if there was anything we needed and graciously bought us the Ergo as a gift.  It was an immediately improvement over the Snugli for me, as Jack’s weight was distributed more evenly with the pull being more on the hips, and the stress was removed from my back.  My center of gravity was corrected!  Also, the Ergo has less buckles than the Snugli and there was nothing sitting between Jack and my chest, which meant I could nurse with it on.  Yay!

Joe stuck with the Baby Bjorn until Jack reached 22 lbs. and outgrew it.  Bonus of the Ergo: it lasts until 40 lbs!

Jack’s daycare provider in Humboldt used the Ergo, as well.  Jack has been pretty good at daycare but she said she noticed a huge improvement in fussiness when she started wearing him.  Not only that, but he was always extremely happy to go to daycare and I believe this is because he was getting the closeness that he desired even when the daycare provider had to focus on the other children in her care.

Needless to say, I’m a huge proponent of kangaroo care and babywearing.  I especially love it as a great way for the baby to bond with the non-breastfeeding parent.  I know there are many times when Joe has felt frustration at not being able to calm Jack with breastfeeding as I do, and the baby carrier is a nice substitute.  Plus, when my magical breasts do not do the trick, Joe can strap Jack into the Ergo and take a walk, giving me a little space!

I highly recommend that every parent utilize the benefits of kangaroo care and baby wearning and get a baby carrier.  You may have to try a few different types to see what works for you and your baby.  Some parents prefer slings over a backpack-type carrier, for instance, and there are certainly benefits to having a variety of carriers to choose from in any situation.

Slow Transition

My goal was to stop pumping by the end of the year.  Alas, it is now January 4 and I am still at it.  A nasty plugged duct in my armpit the week prior to Christmas made me realize that it will take a more time for me to wean from the pump.  I cannot go from 5-7 ounces a day to nothing just like that.

I have scaled back a bit.  I made it through this week only pumping once, midday.  The last two days Jack has slept through his morning nursing session, so I am a little nervous as to how my body will react since plugged ducts are as regular as hangnails with me.  We canceled our travel plans for this weekend, though, so hopefully a regular nursing schedule will keep me healthy.

My revised plan, in addition to cutting back to once a day, is to slowly pump for less time.  I only pump for ten minutes at a time currently, so it will be a matter of shaving off a minute every few days.

This is all more complicated than I thought it would be.  I am not good with “transitions.”  I am probably going at this more quickly than I should, but it is still slower than I would like.  I am very much looking forward to the day when I don’t have to lug this pump along with me to work!

Milk Routine for the Working Mom

I am a parent who seeks to do things in a way that makes the most practical sense.  I want to save myself time and effort because, as a working parent, I am often short on time and energy.  If that applies to you, or if you a breastfeeding mom looking for guidance on the easiest way to provide breastmilk for your child while you’re away, this post is for you.

Some women pump, pump, pump like crazy to get a freezer stash established before returning to work.  I did not do this.  I pumped a few times 1-2 weeks before going back: once to get enough milk to introduce Jack to a bottle, and then I pumped a few more times to get enough milk for one day at daycare.  Fresh milk has the most nutrients, nutrients that are lost during the freezing process, so I avoid freezing as much as possible.  Additionally, milk that is stored properly in the refrigerator will be good for up to eight days in the refrigerator, so even if I take a few days off (say, the weekend) I don’t need to freeze.  I pump milk each day I’m at work and send it along to daycare the next day.

For the first year of Jack’s life, I pumped using my Ameda Purely Yours three times per day, every 2.5 hours or so while separated from him, for 10 minutes (although for most women 15-20 minutes is the recommended pumping session length to mimic usual nursing sessions).  Pumping every 2-3 hours while away from your baby keeps supply up, as does ensuring that the breasts are emptied as much as possible by the pump.  I generally was able to pump 12 ounces per day, which is definitely on the high side.  [With the number of times and length of my pumping sessions, most moms would get 6-9 ounces per day.]  Using the handy-dandy milk calculator from Kellymom, I determined that I should send 10 ounces along with Jack to daycare, about one ounce for every hour he would be away from me plus a tad extra just in case he hit a growth spurt.  Most days he drank 6-7 ounces because I nursed him before dropping him off in the morning and as soon as I picked him up.  The timing worked out well.  And since he nursed throughout the night untile he was a year old, I was easily able to use the 1oz. per hour rule (since intake should be 19-30 ounces per day, so an average of 25 ounces).

Since breastmilk can stay at room temperature for 10 hours, I do not wash my pump parts after each pump session.  I store them in ziplock baggies that I wash every night along with the parts.  [Note: if you are prone to thrush, it is a good idea to sterilize parts between pumping sessions.]  I leave my valves assembled to the horns to save myself a little time, and I combine milk from the two collection bottles into one in order to reuse one for the next session whenever possible.  This cuts down on dishes to wash.

When I get home, I pour the milk I pumped that day into a jar (glass canning jars work well) that holds a little over 10 ounces of liquid.  I reuse one of three jars I own every day (avoiding waste that would be created if I used the milk storage bags), and use an insulated ”bottle pod” that I bought from the bullseye store for transport to daycare.  The daycare provider can pour 2-3 ounces of milk from the large jar into Jack’s bottle to warm for each feeding, and warmed milk that he doesn’t finish can be offered at the next feeding (or discarded after 2 hours if not reused).  [I instruct the daycare provider to offer a bottle every 2-3 hours if Jack doesn't cue for it sooner.]  We make use of every drop of milk that we can!

Any extra milk that gets frozen is pulled out on a weekend if I have an unplanned outing (although most often I just have Joe take from the milk stored on Friday and I will pump to make up the difference for the Monday stash while I am out) or other emergency.  I rarely use my frozen milk, and when we moved I threw out over 30 ounces of expired milk.  Generally you have to have 100 ounces to donate to a milk bank, and I was not organized enough to list the milk on a milkshare site in time.  If you wonder why you should be careful about using your freezer stash, go here.

Any questions?  Need clarification on anything or did I forget something?  I am happy to provide more info if you ask in the comments section.

My Nursing Story (with handy links)

I decided to breastfeed for many reasons, but the two biggest reasons are the health of my child and the money I would save doing it.  I am sure that seeing pictures of my mom breastfeeding me as a baby highly influenced my decision, and my husband was very supportive, as well.  In preparation for my new role as a breastfeeding mother, I did a lot of research on the internet, bought numerous books on the subject, and read as many message boards as I could get my eyes on!  Still, I was not as prepared as I would have liked to be – reading about breastfeeding is quite different from doing it!

I had prepared for a natural childbirth, and unfortunately had to be induced with cervidil and pitocin.  The labor was hard, but I was able to get through it without pain medication.  My son was born with his cord wrapped tightly around his neck and body – four times!  Since he was so blue, the nurses gave him oxygen before laying him in my arms.  After his color returned, the nurses helped latch him onto my breast and he suckled voraciously.

Jack loved breastfeeding from the start.  On the second night of his life, he nursed for three hours straight, and cried if I unlatched him.  After those three hours, I finally got up to use the bathroom and Jack started to cry again.  Our nurse came in and took charge – she convinced us that she should take the baby out of the room and use a pacifier or a bottle of formula to calm him down.  I argued initially and then, worn down, agreed.  As she left the room with my baby, I bawled and then curled up to sleep.  I awoke a few hours later when the nurse returned with Jack, who was asleep after crying and receiving a half-ounce of formula, so that she could “tend” to another baby.  I have rarely felt such bitterness toward another person before.  Tucking my son into bed beside me, sore from labor, I felt betrayed by a woman who had convinced me that my son needed something other than me.  I can’t express how much I regret that night.  I was determined not to repeat that mistake in the future.

We did not see a lactation consultant until the afternoon of the second day in the hospital.  By then, my nipples were ravaged.  My lactation consultant told me I had flat nipples, making it difficult for my son to get a deep enough latch.  We did the best we could, and used a nipple shield when I could not establish a good latch.

It took three days for my milk to come in fully.  By that time, I was struggling with thrush (due to antibiotics during labor), engorgement, and raw, bleeding nipples.  I hated breastfeeding, and my son seemingly nursed non-stop.  I cried every time he latched on.  The books all told me that an average nursing session lasted 30-45 minutes, but my son would nurse for hours.  I cursed the books and doggedly kept going (I’m nothing if not stubborn).

When Jack was 10 days old, we visited a breastfeeding support group.  It changed my life.  I know that sounds dramatic, but hearing the stories from other mothers, especially those women who were going through the same things or even experiencing much worse problems, changed my perspective completely.  We weighed my son and I learned that he had gained two pounds since leaving the hospital 10 days before!  I felt proud that even though we were experiencing trouble, my son was thriving on my milk.  It gave me the motivation to keep going.

Armed with the support of the group that met weekly, and remedies for thrush and raw nipples, I kept nursing.  It took months to rid myself of thrush (the only thing that worked for me was a combination of acidophilus supplements, a vinegar wash, and disposable nursing pads to keep my nipples dry).  I made sure to focus on proper latching techniques, and I memorized everything on kellymom.com.  When my son continued to nurse frequently and began having runny green stools, I sought out the ivillage lactation consultant message board, where I discovered rather quickly that I had an oversupply of milk.  On the advice of the women there, I started block feeding.  Not only did my son’s digestion improve, but he stayed satisfied longer.

I returned to work when Jack was 6 weeks old.  By this time, we had turned a corner and breastfeeding was going much more smoothly.  At work I pumped three times per day.  My abundant milk supply has made pumping easy but because the breastpump is not as efficient as a nursing baby, I have had more than my fair share of plugged ducts and mastitis.  These things just seem to come with the territory of oversupply, unfortunately.

When Jack was 4 months old, my milk finally started to regulate.  Between a lower (but still plentiful) supply, a slower letdown, and the developmental milestones Jack was experiencing, a nursing strike began.  Jack refused to nurse much of the day, so I resorted to moving to a quiet, dark room to nurse while standing, swaying, and shhhhing him.  Luckily he still nursed at night, so I was able to keep him hydrated, but it was weeks before my determination won out and Jack adjusted to the change in my milk supply.

By the time Jack was 5 months old, I had stored 150 ounces of milk stashed in my freezer – extra I had pumped at work or while Jack was striking.  I donated nearly all of it to a new mom in my community who was experiencing low supply.  I continued to donate fresh milk to her and her baby on a weekly basis for 7 months.  Between local moms donating, the small amount of milk she produced, and milk from the milk bank, this mom has been able to keep her child on breastmilk without supplementing with formula.  Her son has thrived, and I feel proud that I have helped contribute to his health!

Jack is turning one year old in a week, and he weighs 25 pounds, which means he wears 24m clothing!  He has taken slowly to solids, and milk is still the primary source of his nutrition.  He is wonderfully healthy, and the happiest baby I’ve ever met.  He now wiggles and pinches and stands while nursing.  It is one more challenge to overcome in our nursing relationship – a relationship that I expect will continue until Jack decides he is ready to cut the ties to his babyhood.  When he does stop nursing, I can honestly say I will miss it!

Disclaimer: Most nursing mothers do not experience all of the issues that I have while breastfeeding.  Do not let my story scare you off - I am not the norm!